


Tragar’s Path (Book 7 of 9)

by RedRoseOfTexas



Series: Legend Of Durc [7]
Category: Earth's Children - Jean M. Auel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-10-31 06:42:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 29,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20788460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedRoseOfTexas/pseuds/RedRoseOfTexas
Summary: A visitor from the past brings unnecessary news, a delight in the ever changing world, and an unquenchable need to move on. Dura makes one final long journey, and Jonayla regrets visiting with the in-laws...





	1. Fire Animals

**Author's Note:**

> This is my favorite of the stories...

“Greetings stranger. I am Tragar of the Anduzans. We live on the edge of the southern sea near the narrow crossing. Would this be the way to the Lanzadonii?”  
“Yes it is. Just two more days walk toward that high snow covered peak.”  
“I must be much slower in my old age. A Zelandonii hunter told me it was only three days more, and that was three days ago. I was afraid I had taken a wrong turn.”  
“I am going to the third cave of the Zelandonii to deliver some news. I will be back this way tomorrow, and I will make sure you find your way. I am Yundavan of the Lanzadonii. There is a small stream with a campsite not much further ahead. It is well stocked with firewood and food. If you don’t need any more help now, I will be on my way.”  
“Thank you very much, Yundavan of the Lanzadonii. I hope to see you again tomorrow.”  
The boy ran off and the man turned and resumed his slow walk up the well-worn, hilly path. The following afternoon Yundavan caught up to the stranger.  
“Greetings Tragar. Did you have a restful stop last night?”  
“Yes, thanks to you. I did not use any of the food in the cairn, but it is good to know that this land is bountiful enough that you could spare such surplus.”  
“We are an isolated people, and most have kin among the Zelandonii, so this path is heavily traveled. I run it several times a moon.”  
“We are distant kin of the Zelandonii. The legends say that there were two bothers who could not stand each other. They fought and fought. Their mother finally sent them away in separate directions. Zelan went north, and Andu went south. This is why our languages remain close, but our people keep their distance.”  
“I have never heard of your people, but I was born in the Lanzadonii, so our legends are new and different than the Zelandonii.”  
“I should like to hear some of your legends if you intend to walk with me. I do not wish to hold you back if you need to return home. I’m sure I will find my way eventually.”  
“I am obligated to walk with you to our home. The weather can turn without warning, and it is essential to know places of safety. We will stop at Dura’s cave tonight. From there it is a half day walk to the main cave.”  
“What was that name you said?”  
“Name? You mean of the cave?” He nodded. “It is named for the woman that found it. She was running this path just like me many years ago when she was a girl. She was scouting for the second large group of settlers to move from the Zelandonii to the Lanzadonii.”  
“Interesting.” He said, slightly frustrated with his long windedness. “What was the name of the girl?”  
“Oh, I’m sorry. Dura, its Dura’s cave.”  
“Dura. Is that a common name?”  
“No, I only know the one, but there are many variations based on her father’s name, which was Durc. There is Durie, Durovan, Kinidura...”  
“Kinidura? Do you mean Kinidar?”  
“That is Dura’s mate. Their daughter is Kinidura.”  
“Do they live here, in the Lanzadonii?”  
“Of course. They are co-leaders of the second cave of the Lanzadonii.”  
“That is remarkable. I met them long ago. They had just started their Journey and I was just returning from mine. I never thought they could have survived being so young and inexperienced. It took me a long time to cross back over the southern sea and many more to complete the Journey here. I was simply coming here to tell the Lanzadonii people of their lost children. I guess they were not lost. Remarkable.”  
“Dura is an amazing woman. The stories she tells of running for years, all the way to the eastern sea and back. It is why I wanted to be a runner. I will never go to the eastern sea, but I do want to journey somewhere new.”  
“It has been my life, and I don’t regret it. It is dangerous though. Few who travel far ever return. My people had given me up for dead long before I returned.”  
The two walked along through the afternoon telling stories.  
“Earlier you said you were obligated to guide strangers to your cave. The path seems easy enough to follow. Is that the only reason?”  
“What do you think of flatheads?” Yundavan asked.  
“The fire animals?”  
“I’ve never heard them called that.”  
“They are animals that are not afraid of fire. They use it to stay warm and cook their food like we do. There aren’t many where my people live. I have seen some on my Journey here, but they tend to scurry and hide like most animals.”  
“What if I were to tell you that they are people just like us? They tell stories, and dance, and name their children, and bury their dead.”  
“I know some of the mixed ones can talk, Dura for example, because they are mostly human. But the fire animals don’t talk as far as I know.”  
“They talk with their hands.” Yundavan gave an example, speaking as his hands waved. “We are the Clan of the Cave Bear. We revere the spirit of the cave bear above all others. Our hunters are the strongest in all the world. Our medicine women are as capable of healing as any of the Zelandonia. We may not talk with our mouths, but we are intelligent and caring and we wish to live in peace with those we call the Others, people like you.”  
“You actually said all that with your hands? It looks like random waving.”  
“I assure you, it is a rich and full language filled with nuance and beauty. We accompany strangers because we need to know if they might cause trouble. There are many of mixed spirits. There are also some Clan that live among us.”  
“You live with them? Remarkable.”  
“We also live with horses that help us with our work. I tell you this so you are not frightened when you see people riding on their backs. I also tell you this because we do not tolerate unkind words spoken against those who are in any part Clan.”  
“Rest assured, I have no unkind words for any of the Mother’s creatures. We all have our place in this world we share, and I know just how insignificant we humans are. The only thing that sets us truly apart is the ability to use fire. The fire animals you call Clan are easily our equals in that. They are my superiors in fact because these old hands can no longer get a fire started on my own.”  
“Then you will have quite a shock when we reach Dura’s cave. I promise that you will be making the fire tonight, and you will thank me for making you do it.”  
“You are in for a long cold night my young friend.”  
The shock on Tragar’s face when he struck the stone with his flint knife was a joy to the young man. He had never been the one to show someone a fire stone. He stamped out the first small fire just so he could try it again. “This is remarkable. What kind of magic is in these stones?”  
“No magic, just plain old rocks. They are rare, but if you know where to look for them, there are plenty. You may keep that one both to use as well as to recognize them when you see them. River valleys tend to be the best place to find them.”  
“This is perhaps the greatest invention since man started using fire. And you just casually give it away to strangers?”  
“That is the other thing you should know about us. We are all equals. There is no status. We work together as a group. You visit us, you are part of the group for your stay. The Great Earth Mother revealed the fire stone to our Lanzadoni. Since then she has selflessly given this knowledge to all she has met in her travels.”  
“It has been my experience that those who serve the Mother prefer to keep their knowledge secret.”  
“Perhaps it is because she discovered this long before she committed to serving the Mother that gives her an uncommon openness. She is the most uncommon of women. She was the one who first made a friend of a horse and rode on it’s back. She also made a friend of a wolf, and even a cave lion, if you believe the legends. I played with the wolf as a child, so I know that part is true.”  
“There was a traveling storyteller that told of a wolf that loved a woman.”  
“That was about Ayla and her wolf, though the story was about a boy that became a wolf. Wolf was just a big ferocious wolf that loved children and the woman that raised him. Others have tried raising wolves taken from their mothers when young, but none have ever been loyal to those people. Only Lanzadoni had that power over the animal. That is why I choose to believe she also had a cave lion as a friend as well.”  
“In the land south of the great southern sea there are many different kinds of lions. A friend of mine was taken by a black lion that leapt down from a tree in the darkness.” He told Yundavan many of the stories of his travels until they drifted off to sleep.

Tragar slept well on the comfortable bed platform in Dura’s cave. Sleeping on the ground for the last few moons had done much to slow his walking each day. He wondered if he would even bother trying to travel back to his people. A place where all were equals, all were welcome, all worked together to produce such wealth that many distant campsites had food cairns. Dura had left an impression on him. She had been reckless and carefree, but also extraordinarily skilled with her sling. That she was of mixed spirits fell from his mind as soon as he had spoken with her. She was just an ugly girl that craved the Journey just as he had so many years before he met her.  
In the morning Tragar walked faster than usual, both with the excitement of reaching his destination, as well as comfort from the pain relieving morning tea Yundavan had made for them. Mid morning a woman on a horse galloped into view. “I’m not sure I believed you, but there it is. A woman on a horse. Remarkable.”  
“That is Durie, Dura’s younger sister. She is riding Ingo, which is the youngest horse. He is still high spirited and she is doing her best to train him.”  
Durie rode up and slowed, then hopped down, but held tightly to the harness. “Greetings Yundavan. You have brought us a visitor.” She held out both hands. “I am Durie of the Lanzadonii.”  
“I am Tragar of the Anduzans.”  
“By the southern sea. Jonayla has told me of them. She is our trademaster and has traveled to the southern sea several times.”  
“That is a long walk for trade. It has taken me three years to get here.”  
“It is much faster on the back of a horse. You are welcome Tragar of the Anduzans. I shall ride back and let them know we have a guest.”  
After she rode off, Tragar asked Yundavan “You were talking to her with your hands.”  
“Yes. I let her know that you seem to be a good person and should be welcomed. We have had trouble makers before, and found it is better to know before trouble can start.”  
“I can see the value in that. I also see the value of being able to talk when others don’t know you are talking.”  
“It is also valuable when hunting.”  
Tragar nodded thoughtfully, picturing a silent coordination of hunters as they surround a herd. “I think I would like to learn this silent language of yours.” Yundavan gave him a few simple signs of greeting and inquiry. “Remarkable.”


	2. Mixing

“Tragar?” Tragar would not have recognized the older version of the young girl he knew so long ago. She was holding a child and walking with a much older mixed man who walked slowly with a stick for support.  
“Yes. I finally made it back across the southern sea. I see you made the crossing much sooner than I did.”  
“No, I will never go on the water again. We ran around the eastern end of the Southern sea. What are you doing here?”  
“When you didn’t return from your Journey, I assumed you were consumed by the jungle as all my friends had been. After I finally got home, I became restless again, so I thought I would come to tell your people about you. I see there is no need for that.”  
“No, they have listened to my journey stories for many, many years. This is my father, Durc, and this is my fourth child, Folendra.”   
“I greet you Durc of the Lanzadonii. I am Tragar of the Anduzans. I met this remarkable young woman on the other side of the Great Southern sea.” Durc returned the greeting perfunctorily. “May I ask what the meaning of the word, ‘father’ is?”  
“It is like the man of your hearth, but it is more specific to the man who starts the child inside a woman.”  
Tragar tried to process this. “The man who’s spirit is chosen?”  
“It is the essence of a man that starts a child growing when pleasures are shared.”  
“Really?” He thought about it. “Remarkable.”  
“Dura, I have had enough walking. I wish to return home.” Durc signed.  
“Walk with us Tragar. I think we have much to talk about.”

“This by far the most prosperous community I have ever visited. You build large homes with entire trees a dozen men could not lift.” Tragar said after touring the the settlement.  
“Horses are much stronger than men. They do most of the work.”  
“Remarkable. And there is no status?”  
“There are those who are given status by their actions, but that does not give them a greater worth. It usually gives them greater responsibility, so we work to find a balance between contribution and enjoyment.” Kinidar told the man.  
“Some aspire to be leaders, to tell people what to do and how to do it. These are not the people we choose to be leaders. We lead ourselves as much as we can. Those who are designated the leaders only resolve conflicts that arise and help people who are in need.” Dura explained further.   
“What is the incentive to become better, if no higher status can be achieved?”  
“It is the status inside that matters. We measure ourselves against others and we decide whether we want to work to be better or not. Among the Zelandonii, those who have lower status just accept where they will always be and they give up. If status is always on the inside, you are free to believe your worth can be more, and you can work to make it a reality. In our mind we are all high status and low status. It becomes a game to eliminate the low status activities and indulge in the high status ones.”  
“Has it always been this way, Dura?”  
“No. When I first lived here it was much like the Zelandonii. Many who moved here did so because they were low status. They thought that in a place where mixed people were acceptable, they would naturally be higher status than us animals.” She smiled self deprecatingly. “When you get to know people, not just believe what you are told, you see the value in them. In our travels on the southern lands we encountered a people who had no status. They just lived their lives in simple pleasure. Their food was so plentiful, and their climate so unchanging, they had no need to struggle. They just ate and shared pleasures and told stories. There were no worries about the future, no jealousies of the indolent.”  
“That life would not work here when you must spend the short summer preparing for the next winter or you will die.” Kinidar added.  
“I must say as I traveled north, I did not enjoy the longer winters. I would like to stay with you this winter, but if it is as bad as I expect, I shall want to return home just to escape it.”  
“Of course you are welcome to stay. I think you may be surprised at how comfortable we are, even in the depths of winter. Anyway, when I returned I did my best to push the Lanzadonii people away from the counterproductive status based system to a more generosity based system. The main thing I took from the Jamanar tribe was the gratitude. Thanking people for the simplest of gestures only encourages more generosity. I do believe that giving is the basis of all happiness. I remember your generosity with us on the southern sea.”  
“I had nothing to give except advice, which you completely ignored.”  
“You told me the people were dangerous, and that there wasn’t anyone on the coast. That was the perfect advice. We avoided the dangerous people and saw most of the southern land. It turned cold so we did not find the southern edge. I expected to see another great ice wall down there.”  
“I would have liked to see that. I have heard it is higher than any mountain.”  
“There are mountains much higher, but no mountain is so broad. If you would like to see it, you can come with us next summer. There is a Clan gathering up north.”  
“Like a summer meeting? The fire animals get together just like we do? Remarkable. I don’t see how I could pass up such an opportunity. So, you went far south, but not to the edge. Then you went east to the giant river. Is that near the end of the southern sea?”  
“Very close. We went around the eastern edge through the sand hills. Then we visited the Clan cave where I was a child. That is on the north side of the southern sea, but all the way at the other end of the great mother river. Then we went north to the great ice wall to visit Latie’s people, the mammoth hunters. She came with us along the great ice wall back here.”  
“The great eastern sea is near the east end of the southern sea?”  
“No. It is at least three times as far to the eastern sea.”  
“But you said you just went around the southern sea and came back here. How do you know how far it is?”  
“She came back here for me.” Kinidar said. “I was tired of traveling. She went to the eastern sea alone.”   
“Alone? Remarkable.”

It was indeed a comfortable winter for Tragar. He found comfort in many beds of the Lanzadonii women. Ayla had marveled at the desire of women to either secretly, or openly pursue the essence of strangers. It happened even more so when they were ready to have children. It was as if the body knew that mixing with a variety made for a stronger ability to survive. Again she remembered her revealed truth of fatherhood and how it might harm this diversity.   
With her encouragement, there were now three more children with Jondalar’s spirit. She had only wanted fidelity from him because that is what he had demanded of her. How much more valuable would it have been for him to spread his gifts far and wide, as he had done before he had met her. Ayla would bring the women she chose to their bed and watch his taking of them. She thought she had found the best time of the moon cycle to start a baby. Only the Clan women remained among those Jondalar would not couple with. When it came to give first rites to Durie, the mixed child of Durc and Latie, Jondalar declined because of the familiarity with the young girl. Ayla reminded him of Latie’s bad first experience and guilted him into it. While she watched the opening ceremony, she saw in Jondalar something different. It was almost a disgust for what he was doing. He performed well, but somehow she knew he still had deep feelings against the Clan.  
Jondalar never grew attached to any of the children except the son he had created with Latie. Jonathon now spent his days at the mine with his father. He was so tall and so obviously the product of Jondalar’s essence. His hair was dark red like his mother’s, but his face shared most similarities in shape and proportion with Jondalar.  
Jondalar still insisted Ayla remain faithful, though only with his actions, not his words. She did not have desires beyond what he provided her, but she sometimes thought of Ranec’s dark skin and imagined the children they would have created. She was getting too old for children now anyway.  
“Would you like some morning tea, Tragar?”  
“I would. I cannot thank you enough for all the hospitality you have shown me.”  
“It was good to have some new stories to hear over the long winter.”  
“Can I ask you something personal, Lanzadoni?”  
“Of course.”  
“I have enjoyed the hospitality of your mammoth hearth, inside this comfortable dwelling. I see you bring women in to share the bed of your husband, but I never see you share the furs of another man. Can I ask why this is?”  
“Jondalar is very… possessive. He does not like to share me with other men.”  
“But he does not have a problem making you share him with other women.”  
“He does not want this. I make him do this.”  
“It does not sound like a man forced against his will.”  
“No, he enjoys it. I think it is natural for a man to want many women. I cannot give him any more children, but I think the Lanzadonii will be better with more children of Jondalar’s essence.”  
“Like all the horses born of Racer’s essence?”  
“Yes, that is so. Are you asking out of curiosity, or is there something specific you want?” She could tell he wanted her, and she was not against the idea of it. His skin stayed darker in winter, though not dark like Ranec’s.   
“You are a beautiful woman. Perhaps the most beautiful to have walked the earth.”  
“I’ve been told that by many men. All said the words in hope of sharing pleasures. Why would I want to share pleasures with you?”  
“I truly don’t know. I have spent my life moving from place to place, never content to stay longer than a few seasons anywhere. A few places I have considered settling, but the urge to move on always swelled. When you meet new people there is always risk, always danger. You smile and hope for the best. It is long experience that teaches how to know the mind of the strangers around you. You watch, you learn, you predict, then you see how accurate your guesses have been. I see in you a restlessness, a frustration not unlike my own. You have moved from place to place, people to people just as I have. This place has grown stale and suffocating. You crave adventure, danger, excitement. You want to ride a lion once more. I am no lion. I am not even a lynx. I am just a stranger passing through. I leave for the great ice wall in a few days and I will never see you again.”  
“You have already been with many women here, started life in some of them perhaps. Have you not had your fill?”  
“I’m not sure if such a thing is possible. I do not seek in it pleasure, either giving or receiving. I do it for the novelty of the experience. Like every mountain, every river, every valley, each woman is unique. Most see nothing when they look at me. A few see desire, but hide it deep inside. You do not hide it. This is why I ask.”  
“I do. Would you like to know why?”  
“I am curious.”  
“You shared pleasures with the Clan woman Gurna. She told me that you asked politely if she wanted it. Women of the Clan do as they are instructed, and you knew that. Still you asked, politely. You took the time to give her pleasure. You told her she could request pleasure from you if she wanted to. She never would, it is not her way. You never treated her like an animal.”  
“We are all equals here. She seemed lonely. It was a new experience. Not one I regret in the least. I could never think of them as animals after having a conversation with them.”  
“No, we are not equals here. You are less according to how much Clan you have in your looks. It is not something that most people can expunge from their way of thinking. Gurna’s mother was a medicine woman, but died giving birth to her. I have been teaching her the skills she will need when she goes back to her Clan. If she goes back now, the child she carries will be killed for it’s deformity. If we keep the child here it will be raised as a lesser person. A lesser life is better than none at all. Giving her this child was a gift as well as a curse. I desire you because you do not see the animal in her the way most men do. I wish to receive a similar gift, even though it may be equally a curse.” She began undressing in front of him, hoping Jondalar would never find out.


	3. What If?

“Jondy! It is so good to see you. It has been years since you have visited.” Folara scolded her brother before embracing him tightly. “What brings you this way?”  
“I am helping the group that is traveling to the Clan gathering in the North. I’ll stay at the summer meeting until they return and then help them back.”  
“Is Ayla with you?”  
“No, she had many people to care for, and Whinnie is not capable of traveling anymore. Ayla could not leave her there alone.”  
“That is too bad. I see Jonathon has grown quite a bit. Is he working the flint yet?”  
“He is learning quickly.” Jondalar beamed with pride at his dark red haired son. ”How are all of yours?”  
“Oh, Jondy, I became a grandmother this winter. Soon my hair will gray and…” She thought of her mother fading into old age.  
“Congratulations. I have plenty of the gray myself.”

“I will take Tragar to see the great ice wall, father. Will you be alright alone with them?” Dura asked.  
“Even though Korg and Guban have gone to the spirit world, the new leaders know me and respect me. They believe I am to one who kept the Others south of the ridge. I am surprised that has lasted so long. I can send word to the children’s camp if I need Latie’s help.”  
Dura carried her youngest inside her many layered Clan style wrap. Kinidar walked ahead with their oldest child. The other children had stayed at the camp. Jonayla’s idea to have the children of both people’s meet and learn about each other had been the real reason the border had been respected. The earliest visitors to the first exchange were now among the respected leadership of many caves. They knew the Clan were people and therefore forced others to give them the respect they deserved. Some now accompanied the groups as teachers, happy to see old friends they had made.  
“Remarkable.” Tragar said as the wall came into view. The top was shrouded in mist, but what was visible far exceeded what he had imagined. He looked to the east. “If only I had another lifetime to see the eastern sea.”  
“I am glad I did it, but it was not worth what I missed by not staying here.”  
“And you say it is shorter to follow the ice than to walk in the warm lands?”  
“I think that is because we are on…” she looked around for a round stone. She picked up a large one and used her hand to trace imaginary lines. “You look at the sun and the moon, and they are round. I would think our home is round too. If the ice wall sits all the way at the top where it is narrow, it makes sense that it is shorter from one side to the other.”   
“What makes you think it is round?”  
“When we went far south on the south land, it became colder. The sun became lower in the sky as it does here, but in the opposite direction.”  
“The sun was to the north?”  
“Yes.”  
“It seemed as if it was almost overhead sometimes, but never to the north. That would have made navigation difficult.”  
“It did. And the bright stars were different as well. I had to learn to trust the rising and setting points of the sun and moon once we left the coast. I think we should camp here. It is too cold to camp by the ice. You also have to be careful because the ice is always falling off. Do you want to go touch it tomorrow?”  
“I do. You do not have to go with if it is dangerous.”  
“We will go with. I think it will be my last time here. I no longer crave the long path from home.” Dura said, not quite sure she believed it.  
“I don’t crave the long path, but there is no place I have ever felt… at home.”  
“This is because you do not love. You have much fear in losing so you keep your distance.” He looked at her strangely. He had never told her about the people he had been close to. How could she know? She smiled, understanding his look of wariness. “It is because you never talk about them that I know. I think if Kinidar had died that day on the southern sea, I never would have been able to talk about him either. Was she someone special?”  
Tragar said nothing. He built the fire and pulled out his traveling food. Sitting on his sleeping furs. As darkness fell, he softened and began the story he had never told anyone before. “She didn’t want to go. Dorenava was not a frail woman, but she was not made for the long path. I was foolish to allow her to come with me and my friends on the Journey. She pretended to enjoy it for my sake, thinking I would send her back alone if I tired of her. I know this because it took a long time for her to die. The truth always emerges when one is dying.”  
“You were not mated?”  
“Yes, we mated at the summer meeting before we left. My friends had already crossed the southern sea, and I was anxious to catch up to them. Dorenava loved the boat crossing. The waters were unusually calm and the boat man said it was the easiest crossing he had ever made. We stayed on the southern sea for a little while before moving further south. Then we turned away from the coast and into the jungle. Slowly the jungle began to take it’s toll. Sickness took one. A black lion took another. We were found by a group of dark skinned hunters. We did not understand the language but it was clear they saw us as intruders. They took our weapons and led us to their home. It was caves made of woven grass and leaves. We were tied to posts in the center and they spent a moon beating us and cutting us. My cousin Walerzan was the first to die. His body spasmed for almost a day as he coughed and wheezed, expelling blood from his mouth. Dorenava was not beaten as much as the rest of us, but she was taken by each hunter many times against her will as I sat helpless a short distance away. Her eyes plead for help at first, then they plead for death. At night she would cry and tell me the truth about her lack of desire to accompany me on the journey. If I had really cared about her, I would have seen the signs and left her behind. It was in my guilt that I learned to care about her.  
“I finally was able to chew through the restraints. I hit the man who was guarding us with a rock and took his knife. I cut Dorenava free, but she was unable to walk. I carried her as far as I could before stopping to rest. I heard the hunters shouting as they came out to look for us. She told me to go, to leave her there and save myself. All she wanted was for me to bring word of her death to her mother. I picked her up and carried her further, but I was weak, and I did not know where I was or even which way I needed to go to escape. I reached a fast moving river and jumped in. I kept her head above water as best I could as we floated away from the danger. She was asleep when I pulled her from the river. She never woke up.   
“I wandered without food and clothing for almost a moon before the river led me to the coast. I followed the coast north until I met the people who took you in. I waited many moons for the boatman to come and take me home. It was the wrong season for it. I dreaded telling her mother of her death, knowing I was the cause of it. It was almost a blessing that it took so long for me to cross back over. Her mother had already passed on, and her siblings had little memory of the sister they had lost. I have seen her tortured face in every woman I have been with. She haunts me in my dreams and my life. I cannot be close to anyone without the growing feeling of dread that I will have to watch them die.”  
“She chose the path she took.” Kinidar said. “You did not. I know well this choice and I would never choose differently. Even if I had died on the southern sea, I would have still traded it for the short time we spent traveling before that. Life without Dura was so much less than with her. You should not feel guilt for her decision to follow her love for you.”  
“My guilt is more for not loving her, not caring for her until it was too late to matter.” He laid down in his furs and tried to sleep, knowing the nightmares were waiting for him there.  
The next morning Tragar woke late, eyes red from a restless night. They left their camp fire going and walked all morning to the first giant blocks of ice. The top was still invisible in the mist.  
“It is blue. The ice is blue. Is it not water?”  
“It melts to water, very clear delicious water.”   
“Remarkable.”  
They heard cracking and rumbling in the distance. “Mommy, I am scared.”  
“You can go back.” Tragar assured them. I can find my way back to camp. Dura and Kinidar took the children and headed back toward camp. Tragar continued to walk toward the wall, weaving among the large remnants of previous ice falls. Soon his path was blocked by the ice boulders. He was disappointed that he could not touch the wall itself. He picked up a piece of the blue ice, wanted to melt it and see if it was truly water. His mind wondered what his life would have been like if his Journey had started in this direction first. Would it have been a long quiet life with Dorenava and her children? He would have preferred that to the nightmares. He heard the explosive crack high above. He looked up to see the white mist falling to engulf him. He briefly understood his fate, and felt understanding among the fear. He said her name, and then he was with her.  
Kinidar ran back to see if he could find Tragar, but subsequent falls kept him from getting close. He ran back to his family and they packed up their camp as soon as they warmed by the fire and ate.

“Durc, the spirits have favored us since you first came to us. We again offer you a hearth in our cave.”  
“I thank you, but my place is far from here. I will be in the spirit world soon enough and we will talk again when you arrive. That is my final Clan gathering.”  
The leader nodded. “Walk with Ursus.”  
“I will limp with Ursus.” Durc said with a humor that was lost on the stoic man. Dura walked with him back to the children’s camp, helping him when he tired or the terrain became rough. “Where is Tragar?” he asked, looking around. “I have a story I think he will be interested in.”  
“He got too close to the ice wall.” Durc nodded, remembering the unsettling sounds of ice falling as they had walked from the land of the Mamutoi. “I think he was ready to go, tired of walking away from people.”  
“I too, am tired of walking. Thank you for helping me attend one final Clan gathering.” He embraced Latie, hoping to never be separated from her again. “When we leave?” He asked his mate.  
“Two more days. We need to go on one last hunt to get traveling food. There are some bison in the high meadow. Kinidar has been stalking them and may already have brought them down. I came back to get tools to butcher and carry the meat. “Would you like to ride up there with me?”  
“I will have enough riding over the next moon, go now and hurry back.” Durc went to get some of the stew that was cooking. The seven Zelandonii children all asked him questions about the Clan using their newly acquired hand signals. He spoke many of the words as he signed his answers, very much enjoying the retelling of his favorite stories, as well as new ones. When they tired of it and ran off to play, he sat and looked at the tall mountain that lay in the direction of his original home. He could ask Latie to take him there and she would do it. It would mean going back to Lion camp for her to see long missed family. But it also meant a worse life for their children. He wondered what the life of his oldest son, the one he left behind because Ura had told him to, had amounted to. Dura had seen him and explained why they had to leave. They would not recognize each other. Durc realized there was nothing there for him.  
Durc’s thoughts now turned to the south. He had put off the inevitable clash of the two peoples. Jonayla’s idea to mix minds was far better than his mixing of spirits. He wondered if she had decided to stay with Cordran’s people, or if something tragic had befallen them. It was unlikely he would know until he walked the spirit world. He remembered the times he had welcomed that fate coming sooner than it should. Now when he had reason to end real suffering, he clung to life and continued the burden on those around him. He envied Tragar’s end. Reaching a goal, then it was just over and he was with the ones he loved most.  
Durc fell asleep and dreamed of that day on the cliff when Kotani came to him. Instead of sharing pleasures, she pushed him off. He fell slowly and woke in Ura’s arms. “Not yet my love. Not yet.” Ura stroked his face and gazed at him lovingly. His eyes plead with her to help him. She told him what was to come and he once again bowed to his task, knowing that Dura’s life was the reason he had stayed in this world.

It was a much faster trip back to the Zelandonii summer meeting in the dry late summer weather. Most of the festivities were over and many of the people had already headed back to their caves to prepare for winter. Jondalar had gained two new apprentices and spent much of his time beginning their training. There were three that were traveling with them in hopes to become acolytes of Ayla. A few others were considering moving to the Lanzadonii. The mood was quiet when they left for the Lanzadonii hills, but the stories began to permeate the air.  
“Did Tragar make it all the way up to the great ice wall?” Jondalar asked those that had gone north.  
“He is part of the wall now.” Dura said enigmatically. Kinidar told him the story.  
“That is terrible.”  
“His soul was tortured, I think he is at peace now,” Dura said.  
“Yundavan brought word that the firewood supply is more than sufficient for a long winter, but the food supply is short. We will need to do serious hunting when we get back.”  
“They are too dependent on the horses. They need to rely on the old ways more.” Latie said.  
“Perhaps they have forgotten them. I don’t think there is a single surround in decent repair near any of the caves.”  
“I’ve had Racer most of my life, it is hard to remember how much harder it was hunting without him.”  
“Unless we can figure out a better way to capture them, these will be the last ones.”  
“I talked with several at the summer meeting that have tried. They could not tame them no matter how young they were.”  
“Were they men?”  
“Yes, why?”  
“Maybe it takes a woman’s touch, a woman’s love.”  
“They should make it part of the Zelandoni training.” One of the hopeful acolytes said.   
“You would like to learn how to care for them?”  
“Very much. It is one of the reasons I wish to study with Lanzadoni.”  
“It is a lot of work. If she does want to train you, I will happily teach you what I know. It is already past the season to capture young ones, and we wouldn’t have enough grain to feed extra mouths anyway. We should try to capture one or two more in the spring if we have any hope of continuing to have them to help with our work.”  
“How did you get these ones? A surround?”  
“These were born to my first horse. She went with Jonayla…” Latie saw the pain on Jondalar’s face. She knew one of the reasons Jondalar liked going to the Zelandonii summer meetings was in hopes that Jonayla would finally return. Latie missed her Yurie almost as much as Cordran and Jonayla. “She is probably living a comfortable life at the horse hearth of Lion camp.” Latie didn’t believe it, but it was better than thinking about the alternative. “Durc and Dura captured her as a young-ling during a hunt.”  
“We used a surround, but they were guided by my mate.” Durc said.  
“She was a caller?”   
“No, she walks the spirit world and is able to do things to keep us safe and happy.”  
“You never told me that.” Latie said in surprise. “Yurie was a gift from Ura?”  
“I think my mother’s spirit was in that horse, at least for a while.” Dura added. “The baby horse was so calm and friendly and affectionate right from the start. I often wondered if she couldn’t talk to me from the other side because she was in that horse. One of the reasons I agreed to bring you here is because I thought my mother’s spirit wanted to be with Durc again. It was silly to think that.”  
“I’d like to come back in the body of a cave bear.” Durc said.  
“So you could sleep all winter?” Dura said teasingly. “I’d like to be an eagle, flying high in the air and across the whole world.” Each took their turn naming the animals they would like to be and why.

As the haggard group finally arrived at the main cave, greetings were made and packs were unloaded. Jondalar unloaded Racer before going to find Ayla. She was tending to one of the hunters who had a nasty cut on her leg. Ayla’s beaming smile when he saw her made him wonder how he could have stayed away so long. She remained on her knees, finishing the antiseptic wash and wrapping the wound in soft skins. She finally got up awkwardly and turned to embrace him.  
He was surprised that she was so heavy with a child. She usually lost them before she got this big. “I didn’t know you were pregnant when I left.”  
“Silly to tell you and get your hopes up when I always lose them. It is good to have you back.” He noticed her looking at the cave entrance.  
“No, Jonayla is not with us.” Ayla teared up and embraced him tightly. “She probably had another of those giant babies and couldn’t travel.” That is exactly what concerned Ayla the most. Her first delivery was extremely difficult even with Ayla’s considerable skill. She warned Jonayla not to have another until she returned. It was so easy to die in childbirth and such a horrible way to go. She turned back to her patient.   
“Take it easy and return tomorrow so I can clean and check it. Leave the rock climbing to the young.”  
“I only wanted to get a better view. I climbed to that ledge so many times, I just don’t understand how I could have slipped. Thank you Lanzadoni.” She got up and limped out of the cave.  
“I need to wash. Would you like to go for a swim?”  
“Most definitely.” Jondalar replied lasciviously.

They fell into the routines of gathering for the coming winter. With the horses’ help, they were able to quickly fill their stores with meat. As winter closed in and the first snows fell, Ayla began to dread what was to come. This entire pregnancy had felt different. Somehow she knew it was not Jondalar’s seed that had started it. He would know her betrayal when he saw the child with dark hair and skin. When her time came near she went up to the second cave for Latie and Dura’s help.   
Dura looked at her knowingly as she placed the infant on her chest. “Tragar?” She asked. Ayla nodded. Fleeting thoughts of disposing of the child disappeared as it began to suckle.  
“Will he forgive me?”  
“You could tell him I am the father.” Latie said with a smile, taking her hand. “We have shared the furs enough that my spirit could have been chosen. There is nothing to forgive Ayla. She is a beautiful girl and she will carry on your life long after we are all gone.”  
“I hope so.”  
“I had a dream about Jonayla a few nights ago.” Dura offered, wondering if Ayla wanted to hear about it. “It was a good one, mostly.” Ayla finally looked up, mixed emotions evident, then nodded for her to continue. “They were hunting mammoth and Cordran was hurt by a bull when it swung its big tusks to the side as it died. They had to put him on a pole drag to get him back to camp. Jonayla was mad at him for being careless and delaying their trip back because a child had started inside her. They decided to stay another winter so his leg could heal and she could have her baby. It was a boy with bright red hair, much smaller than her older sister. It was weird because it was like I was there watching them. I think I was Latie’s horse. Then I was running across the steppes so fast chasing some bison and I fell. I couldn’t get back up. Jonayla was kneeling over me and crying because I was hurt. Then it was like I was running again but this time I went high up into the air and through the clouds. Then my mother was there hugging me.”  
“You think they can’t come back because they only have one horse?” Latie said, somehow feeling that her Yurie was truly walking the next world. She had a similar dream about her horse earlier the previous summer.  
“I don’t know. It is a long walk, and if Cordran’s leg did not heal completely like Durc, it might take much longer for them to get back.”  
“And there is no place to winter if they take the shorter path.”  
“They could stay with the Losadunai. Danug could have told them how to go that way. Jonayla knows how to cross the ice so they may be back in the spring.”  
“It would be hard to cross the ice with two small children.” Ayla said. “I think she would go north through the Clan territory instead of crossing the ice. She really did not like the Losadunai, and the Clan people know her. She could even winter with them, though I doubt either would like that. If she was smart, she would stay at Lion camp until the children were older. I would rather she stayed there and was safe than have her risk her life coming back here.”  
“Jonayla is a careful traveler, not reckless like me. She will be back safely.” Dura said with confidence. “If she does not cross the glacier in spring, Lanidurc and I will run all the way to Lion camp if we have to in order to find her.”  
“I don’t want to risk losing you too.”  
“I have been bored lately, I think a Journey would be just the thing to shake that off.” Dura said.  
“I go too on horse.” Durc said.   
Latie looked at him strangely. “We were half way there last summer. If you wanted to go, we should have gone then.”  
“Don’t want to go, need to go. We cross ice before melt.” Now all three women were looking at him. “Ura tell me this.”  
“When?” Latie asked skeptically.  
“Last summer.”  
“Why didn’t you tell me?”  
“Not time to tell.”  
“There’s more you are not telling me.’  
“Yes.” Durc answered, but did not elaborate.  
“Is Jonayla in danger?”  
“Jonayla fine. Happy. She stay Mamutoi. She send man to tell us, he killed by wolves.”  
“Then why do you have to go?”  
“Not go for her, go for Dura.”  
“That makes no sense. Dura is only going to find Jonayla. If you already know that then Dura doesn’t have to go anywhere.” Ayla asked, confused.  
“But she will go.”  
“Why didn’t you tell me Jonayla was all right?” Ayla asked, knowing he was concealing more.  
“I am sorry mother. Ura tell me not to tell you. She think you want to go back to Lion camp, risk this baby.”  
Ayla wanted to protest, but even now had the urge to mount Whinnie and just go. “But why would Dura go, especially now that we know.” Durc didn’t say anything.  
“Father, tell us.”  
“You plan to go to southern sea.” Durc finally said.  
“How did you know that? I haven’t even told Kinidar my plans.” She realized how. “Is something bad going to happen?”  
“Not if we cross ice and visit Jonayla.”  
“Mother told you to cross the ice?”  
“No.”  
“So, you wish to prevent something bad by leading me in another direction.” He shrugged. “Maybe something worse would happen on the ice.”  
“Nothing worse could happen.”  
“If the Mother wants to take me, nothing you will do can stop her.” Then Dura saw it. “Mother told you to be there to protect me. You will die instead of me.”  
“I will do so without hesitation. Better you not in danger at all.”  
“Wouldn’t it be better if I don’t go anywhere?”  
“Could you do that? When have you not traveled?” She knew he was right. She felt the pull even more with her oldest son wanting to go. With the youngest almost weaned, Kinidar could take care of the children.  
“I will not go south. The ice is not safe, and neither are the Losadunai. Lanidurc and I will run to visit Jonayla through the northern pass. If she stays there forever, we can plan large group to go visit. I think she’ll only stay until the young baby is old enough.”  
Latie spoke up. “That is a good plan. We may have more horses to ride after next winter. I would like to visit, and I can’t do that this summer.”  
“And Jondalar may send me away.” Ayla said, stroking the dark hair of her new baby.  
“There is no chance of that.” Latie said. “I will go tell him he has a new daughter and his mate is happy and healthy.” Latie bundled up and took the wrapped placenta with her.

“Jondalar?” Latie called.  
“Over here.” He called back. He sat cross legged next to his son watching the boy carefully shape a stone. He looked up expectantly. Latie looked at the two, so alike in so many ways. He was her son, yet she barely spent any time with him. After he was weaned he lived with Jondalar and Ayla. Latie’s children were the mixed ones, not this pure child, born to be better than. There was a twinge of anger in the arrangement, though it faded quickly.  
“You have a new daughter.”  
“What? I didn’t even know it was time.” He jumped up. “Why didn’t she tell me?”  
“She didn’t want you to worry. She is fine. Relax. She is resting, so stay here.” Latie looked for the boy to acknowledge her, but he remained absorbed in his task.  
“A girl.” There was a mixture of emotions in his words. Disappointment that it wasn’t a boy. A more pure boy, blond like he was. Sadness at the reminder that his first daughter was missing, and likely in the spirit world waiting for him. He never should have let her go with that carefree Mamutoi boy. Jondalar sat back down and reengaged in his task of watching his son’s work. Latie looked at them for a while, wondering what a normal life would have been like. If Ayla had never come to Lion camp with her horses. If she hadn’t lost her first child trying to get her own horse. If she had a mate that loved her as Jondalar loved Ayla. She would be headwoman of Lion camp surrounded by normal children. She would never have known the joy of Jondalar, nor the loss of him. She turned away before her tears were noticed.

Latie went out and spent time with her horses. An impulse to set them free only pointed at her desire to be free of this life. Was it fair to make them trade the safety of her home for the hard work she made them do. The horses surrounded her and leaned into her, giving her the affection and warmth she craved. It also gave her the answer to her question.  
Everyone was sleeping when Latie arrived back at the cave. Ayla was on a low bed platform in the back. The newborn in her arms squirmed a little as Latie adjusted the coverings. Latie added some wood to the low glowing fire and sat staring into it. Her thoughts drifted to methods of capturing young horses. A horse born without knowing the fear of life on the uncertain plains was so much easier to train. Should she hunt mother’s who were about to give birth? She knew the signs well enough. The problem was getting close enough. The herd stallion was always extra protective of the slower mothers to be. She could dispatch him easily enough with a spear, but how would that damage the herd? Some still liked the taste of horse meat, but she did not. She wouldn’t kill horses that would not be used for sustenance.  
Could a surround be built strong enough to contain a small herd, and pull the baby horses out of the surround as they were born? What if horses in such a surround became used to her presence, happy they had no danger in their life? Ayla joined her by the fire, baby at her breast.  
“Is it wrong to steal them from their families, from the life of freedom on the plains?”   
Ayla knew she meant the horses. “I don’t regret keeping Whinnie. She was the best friend I ever had. I think I would have set Racer free if Jondalar had not been in my life. He has never been content with captivity. I think we should only keep them if we treat them as friends, as equals.”  
Latie nodded. “It is a life of fear and hardship running the plains ahead of predators. But it is the way they are expected to live. I love my horses, but I know there is only so many I can love. I want five more and I know I will not be able to love that many.”  
“Five?”  
“One male and four females. This would give us a more reliable supply of them, perhaps even an endless one. Maybe we would never have to kill the parents to get a new one. The ones born would only know a comfortable life with us. But we need people who love the horses as much as you and I do to care for them and train them.”   
“They will do what you force them to do, but it is better if they want to do those things. My acolyte will be one of those if she chooses to. I’m not sure a horse would best serve the Zelandonia, but some could specialize in teaching people to care and make sure the horses are properly cared for. Something else is bothering you?”  
“You know me too well. I’d rather not talk about it.” Latie said.  
“He ignores me too.” Ayla said knowingly.  
“If you could go back and change things, what would you change?”  
“I would kill Broud before he became leader.” Ayla said without hesitation. Latie’s eyes went wide in surprise. “I would have stayed and raised my son, his wife would still be alive.”  
“No Jondalar? No fire stone? No Whinnie, Wolf, Baby?”  
“I caused all those animals to be orphaned. They would not have needed me to raise them if it wasn’t for me disturbing their normal life. I would not have missed the happiness of Jondalar’s love if I had never known it was possible. The firestone was in my amulet for many years before I made the discovery. I may have discovered its properties even if I had stayed with Brun’s Clan. If not for that change, I would not change anything. I love my life with Jondalar and the Others. Even the mistakes and the bad times all taught me important things that made the good times better.”   
Latie contemplated the wisdom of acceptance.  
“What would you change?” Ayla asked, knowing Latie had asked so that she could reveal her own ideas.  
“This may sound terrible.” Latie paused. “I wish you had killed Broud too.” She finally said.  
Ayla smiled grimly, nodding in understanding. “Some things cannot be reversed, but if there is anything I can do to make things better, I will do it. You have given me so much.”  
“Can she be my daughter too?” Ayla smiled and handed the tiny bundle over without hesitation. “Did you enjoy… him?”  
“Much more than I expected too.” Ayla answered. “Tragar was youthful despite his age. There was a special kind of reverence in his touch. He spent a long time just kissing and touching me. He had a way with words that Jondalar never did.”  
“He asked me, and I regret saying no.”  
“Not many said no to him. I think there are now five children from his essence. Our daughter has many siblings to grow up with.”  
“Our daughter.” Latie repeated. She left out the word she was thinking, ‘normal’. Latie had a skewed sense of beauty. Men had called her beautiful, but she rarely cared about that. If she was beautiful, she was never the most beautiful. Always in the shadow of much more beautiful women like Ayla. She knew none of her daughters would ever be considered beautiful. Only in the abundance of mixed children did her children seem less ugly than those that were half or three quarters Clan. Just the absence of Clan made Ayla’s new daughter more attractive than any of Latie’s. She loved her first daughter Durie with all her heart, but knew no unmixed man would mate her. She would mate a part Clan man and make more part Clan babies. Most of the part Clan men were related to her. The most appropriate age wise had been Kurc, but he was her half brother. Kinidar and her were rarities, people willing to continue making lesser children and dooming them to a lesser existence. Ayla only had a mixed child because she was forced.  
Chasing the horses had been her choice, her mistake. Having Durie had been her choice, her mistake. Coming here had been her choice, her biggest mistake. There was no choice but to accept her life and move forward.   
“What will you name her?” Latie asked.  
“I don’t know. It would be good to honor her father in some way, but that might be hurtful to Jondalar. Would you like to name her?”  
Latie thought for a while. “Dorenava.” Ayla looked at her confused. “Tragar’s mate’s name. Dura can tell you the story. He opened up to her the night before the ice wall took him.”  
Ayla nodded. “I like it.”

“Dorenava? What kind of name is that?” Jondalar asked, looking at the tiny baby in Ayla’s arms.  
“It was a name from one of Dura’s travel stories.” She looked in his eyes for any sense of rejection. He had only adoration. Perhaps his darker red haired son had made him not look for his blond hair in a child. Perhaps there would never need to be a revelation of her infidelity. “I’m sorry it is a daughter.” She said.  
“Why would you say that?”  
“In the Clan, a mother always apologizes for not producing a male child.”  
“All I care about is that you are both healthy.” Neither mentioned that this little girl was a replacement for the one that disappeared. Ayla had hope with Durc’s revelation, but who could trust words from the spirit world. They often had shrouded meanings. Jondalar kissed her on the forehead. “I love you Ayla. I can’t imagine a life without you.”   
Ayla then felt guilty that she had the previous day wished for a life without him. Without her leaving the Clan, he would have died in that canyon with his brother. His family would have known nothing of their fate. She had thought a lot about the simple act of killing Broud and changing the entire course of so many lives. A simple concoction of poison added to the water he forced her to bring to him. Would Isa have forgiven such a misuse of her teachings? Isa had told her to leave, to find her own people. Because of Isa saving her life, the Clan were her people. Broud added only hardship and misery to the lives around him. If she could go back, she would not hesitate. Broud would die.

Ayla awoke. The baby stirred next to her. She put the child to her breast. In the firelight she looked down and saw it was Durc. She looked around and it was the cave of that first Clan Gathering. Broud was sleeping beside them, as if he was her mate. Fear shot through her as she absorbed her situation. The ceremonial bowl was there, filled with the opaque liquid. It was only for the Mo-gurs. She dipped her finger in and gently put it into Broud’s mouth. He suckled her finger and then the two were in a black void. She had been here several times. Broud was frightened and looked at Ayla with wide eyes. He had so much hatred, yet he was looking for her to save him. She found that she could swim in the void with just small arm and leg movements. She moved deftly away from him as he reached out desperately. His expression was now pleading. She just smiled and shook her head. She swam to the surface and flew into a bright blue sky.   
The Clans gathered around the still form of the hunter from Brun’s Clan. He was motionless on the ground, breathing shallowly, his skin growing cold. Creb thought he knew where Broud was and asked Ayla to make the special drink for him so he could go rescue Broud from the void. She showed him the broken bowl. She could not make the drink without the ceremonial bowl. Without the drink, The Mo-gur could not go in and lead Broud back. He began waving his arm calling for the spirits to assist him. He plead to the ancestors and the spirit animals to bring Broud back to the Clan. Their answer was one final pained sharp intake of breath, and then the powerful body went limp. Aga mourned for her mate and the mood was somber as they walked back to their cave.  
Brun took Durc on his first hunt. The boy was ready to make his first kill. He was not as powerful as the other hunters of the Clan, but he could run so much faster and throw his spear with accuracy. The large bison collapsed, a thin spear protruding from its eye socket. There was pride in Brun’s eyes. The boy had become a man under his instruction without the extreme emotional instability that Broud had exhibited. The strange boy was destined to be the leader of the Clan. Ayla was proud of her boy as he was marked in his manhood ceremony.   
Ayla helped Ura deliver the small deformed child. “I regret to inform the Leader that the child is female.” The medicine woman told Durc, who beamed with pride.  
“The child’s name is Dura.” Durc’s Clan filed by, repeating the name. The cave prospered, never knowing hunger. They knew little ill health because they had two medicine women of the oldest, most revered line.   
Ayla lay on her death bed, surrounded by four generations of her descendants, the youngest showing little sign of their deformity. “It has been a good life my son. I go to see my parents now, Isa and Creb gave me a better life than I could have ever known.”  
“Thank you mother. You risked all to give me a chance at life. Before you go to your parents, go to my father and lead him out of the void. He has suffered enough.” Ayla nodded. She swam through the void and took Broud’s hand. He was filled with contrition and gratitude as she pulled him to the surface and they flew out into the stars.

Ayla woke to a crying child. It was not the young deformed boy. It was her perfect little daughter, Dorenava, cradled lovingly in Jondalar’s hands. “I didn’t want to wake you, you seemed so happy in your dream. I think she is hungry.” He whispered.  
Ayla put the baby to her breast and she quieted. Jondalar kissed her, and once again she was flying among the stars of pure joy.


	4. Jonayla’s Journey

“Just tell me the truth, Cordran. Do you want to stay here?”  
“I don’t care. I only care about being with you.”  
“Will you care enough to help me get home? Or will you find yet another way to keep me here?”  
“I didn’t want to break my leg. The mammoth just turned unpredictably.”  
“How about Yurie? You shouldn’t have been riding her in the first place.”  
“Are you saying I intentionally hurt the horse so you couldn’t travel?”  
“I think your recklessness, especially when you have had too much booza, keeps setting me back. We were only supposed to visit. I never would have left home if I thought you were going to make me stay.”  
“Why do you want to go back?”  
“My whole life is there. I have responsibilities. I am the trademaster.”   
“You can do trading here just as easily.”  
“All the Mamutoi have the same resources. I would do little but carry resources around the steppes. It takes moons to get to anyone who has something worth trading.”  
“What difference does it make what you are trading?”  
“I can’t believe you are the one I gave everything up for. You don’t understand me at all, do you?”  
“No man has ever understood any woman in all of human history. You can’t possibly fault me for that.”  
“I guess I should have seen it from the start. I am leaving in two days. You either will walk with me, or you will never see us again.”  
“My children stay with me.”  
“Oh really. Are you going to breastfeed your son?”  
“He’s too young to travel, especially so early in the season.”  
“That was your excuse last year. I’m done talking Cordran. You have to decide for yourself.”  
“Just one more year?” He whined.  
“No.”  
“It isn’t safe for you to travel alone.”  
“No, it isn’t. If you were honest with me, I wouldn’t have to travel alone.” She put on her heavy fur parka and began walking through the earth lodge to the entrance.  
“I’ll go with you Jonayla.” Hasorav said. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but you were kind of loud.”  
“I appreciate the offer, Haso. You are too young to be heading out on a long journey.”  
“You said you were ten when you went on your first one. I’m going to be thirteen soon.”  
“That was a short trading mission, and it was a large group.”  
“I can protect you and help with the children.”  
“I’m sure you can, but nobody will be coming this way to bring you back.”  
“I don’t mind. I’d like to stay in the Lanzadonii. Your stories make it sound so wonderful.”  
“That’s what stories are. They make things sound better than they really are.”  
“They weren’t true?” He asked, afraid of the answer.   
Jonayla stopped walking and put her hand on his shoulder. “They are true, but they are only the good parts.” She smiled sadly, squeezed his shoulder, and then left the earth lodge.  
He ran back and grabbed his parka and ran out after. “Tell me about the bad parts.”  
Jonayla started digging around in the snow for the travois. Hasorav helped find it and pull it free. She whistled for Gray who emerged from the overcast hill at a slow run in the deep snow. Her heavy gray coat was dusted with ice. Jonayla brushed her horse and tried to think of the bad things about home, but there were none that compared to life on these barren steppes. She then checked the harness to attach the travois and found she would need to replace several of the worn straps.  
“I have some mammoth hide to make new straps from. Do you want me to go get it?” Hasorav asked. Jonayla had her own, but that would mean going back in and dealing with Cordran again. She nodded and he was off like a bullet. She took out her knife and cut away a few of the straps and wiped the snow away from the attachment points. Hasorav helped her tie and cut new straps and then they attached it to the horse.   
“You see, I can be a great help.” He said.  
“You have been a great help my entire time here. I am very grateful for all of your help, Haso.” She pointed into the gray white western sky. “That is no place for you. You have a good life here. A good family, friends, home. This is where you belong. Out there is nothing but suffering and danger. At the end, if we make it, is a group of strangers speaking a different language and living a different kind of life.  
“I don’t care about that. I want to go. I want… to be with you.”   
She smiled at his boyhood crush. She was older now, but she still engendered those looks from men and boys alike. She used it often enough to get what she wanted. Not like some girls who only made vague promises. She delivered what she considered a fair trade in that, as in everything. She walked over to him and pulled her glove off. She put her bare hand on his cheek. “I’m sorry Haso. That will never happen. You will find someone special and you will have an extraordinary life… here.”  
He leaned forward tentatively and she let him kiss her before she pushed him away. “I’ll never forget you.” He said.  
“Of that, I have no doubt. We always remember the special people. I will remember you and tell my family all about the special boy who made my life here bearable.” He bristled at being called a boy. “Help me untie this thing and let’s get back inside where it is warm.”

“You’re really going?” Cordran asked as she loaded up the pole drag.  
“Have you ever known me to speak falsely?” Jonayla asked rhetorically.  
“I’ll go. I need time to get my things ready.”  
“You should have done that yesterday. You can follow our tracks in the snow and try to catch up if and when you are ready. I love you Cordran. I love you more than any other man in my life. I don’t love you more than my home and family.  
“I am your family.” He whined.  
“If you are, then you will help us get home where we belong. You break another leg, get sick, even twist your ankle, I’ll leave you behind. Nothing is going to stop me this time.”  
She carried her son inside her parka and her daughter sat stoically on the back of the horse. They quickly lost sight of the earth lodge as they moved north along the riverbank, away from the dull sun. By nightfall the depth of the snow was negligible as they approached the dry area under the great ice wall. She made camp and started a small fire to warm some water and food for dinner. They crawled into the low tent and cuddled for warmth.  
“Is daddy going to meet us there?”  
“I hope so, Cordrayla. I will miss him if he doesn’t.”  
“Me too. How long will it be before we see Momma Ayla?”  
“Three moons, maybe four.”  
“Will she remember me even though I don’t remember her?”  
“Of course she will.”  
Jonayla heard the distant howl of a wolf. She started to think about heading back in the morning. When the sky began to lighten, Jonayla put aside her fears and packed up camp. She pointed the horse northwest and walked with determination to not look back. It was late afternoon when the ice wall came into view. There was no snow and the walking was easier on the frozen dry earth. In the middle of the third day the sun broke through and warmed the travelers.  
On the fourth morning Cordrayla spotted a tiny figure behind them. “Someone’s coming mommy. It must be daddy.”  
Jonayla stopped and looked back. She could tell it was not Cordran. He had a distinctive limp now and this figure was running. It reminded her of the way Kinidar used to run into view after scouting ahead. What a welcome sight that would have been despite his annoying tendency to prattle on. It wasn’t him though. The boy ran steadily up to them and bent over, breathing hard.  
“Go home Haso.”  
“No.”  
“Does anyone know where you are?”  
“I told Mamut.”  
“He didn’t stop you?”  
“He told me good Journey. He is worried about you. Cordran got drunk and decided not to…”  
“You need to go home now.” She said more forcefully.  
“I doubt I could find my way back. You are stuck with me for now.”  
Jonayla thought about it. She knew taking him back was the right thing to do. She was so disappointed in Cordran that she knew she couldn’t go back. She resumed her walk forward and Hasorav took up station on the other side of Gray, walking in silence.   
He did the hard tasks of picking up burnable materials as they walked and putting them on the travois. He unloaded the horse and built the fires and set up the tent and Jonayla could not have been more grateful. The children stayed much more comfortably warm between the two larger bodies in the tent. The days went by as they marched toward the western mountains. Jonayla recognized the distant twin peaks where they would pass into Zelandonia. They were heavy with snow but it was only a matter of time before it allowed her through.  
“Thank you Haso. I’m not sure I would have made it without your help.”  
“You would have. I just made it a little easier.”  
“You should turn around and head home now.”  
“Why would I do that?”  
“You could still make it to the summer meeting and tell them of your adventure. I’m sure the girls will love to hear about your long Journey to the west.”  
“It hasn’t been eventful enough yet. It would be silly to go back there before using all these Zelandonii words you taught me.”  
“I don’t need your help anymore. My people are just the other side of that mountain.”  
“You never needed my help, Jonayla. This is what I want.”  
“Do you really understand what you might be giving up?”  
“Maybe not. I thought I would miss them, my family, but I don’t. When I think about them, I think about how jealous they would be of my life right now. Danug came home with stories. Cordran came home with a beautiful woman. I want to go home with something more.”  
“Two beautiful women?”  
“I would settle for a woman that wanted to go home with me. Not one I had to trick into it.”  
“He didn’t trick me. I would have stayed, if only…” She stopped speaking.  
“What?”  
“Haso. I need you to listen to me very carefully. You need to trust me completely. Stay here with the horse and children. Do not move unless I tell you to.”  
“Are those Flatheads?”  
“Yes. Do not touch your weapons, do not make any sudden motions.” Jonayla bowed her head and began moving her arms in greeting as she slowly stepped toward the five Clan hunters.  
One approached her with his spear at the ready. “Go away. Your kind is not welcome here.”  
“We are only passing through. We mean no harm to you.”  
“You could not harm us if you wanted to, woman. Your people are weak, and we no longer run from your kind. You run from us or you die.”  
“Is your leader Dyban or Korg or Groban or…” She named all the leaders she could remember.  
“Those names mean nothing to us. They made friends with the Others and they suffered the consequences. Are you going to run woman, or are you going to die?”  
Something in Jonayla snapped. “You threaten a mother and her children? What kind of monsters are you? The spirit of the cave bear will never welcome you into his world if you were to commit such a barbaric act.”  
“You would know barbaric acts. Your people have murdered countless numbers of our people with your barbarity. I guess you have chosen to die.” He sprinted forward suddenly with his spear held high. The stone struck his forehead and he fell at her feet like a rag doll. The other four stood stunned, both at their leader’s threats as well as the magic this woman commanded. They didn’t even see her fling the stone, never suspected she would know how to use a weapon. They just saw her wave her arms and Joban fell.  
Jonayla’s adrenaline was pumping and the baby in her wrap began to cry softly. Going south meant waiting a year before crossing the glacier. A dangerous proposition for a lone woman on a horse. These hunters stood between her and her home and she was now willing to kill each of them to get there.  
One of the hunters made a sign for the evil spirit to go away. Jonayla took this idea and ran with it. “Yes, I am an evil spirit sent to punish you for your evil deeds. Go now and you will be spared my wrath.” Two of the hunters immediately turned and ran, a third following a minute later. “What is your name, hunter who wishes to be punished.”  
“I am Siban. That is my brother Joban. Have you killed him?”  
Jonayla started to feel bad for what she had done, forgetting that she was almost run through by a thick Clan spear. Maybe he was only trying to scare her. “No, he is not dead.” She hoped that was true. “Do you agree with your brother that I should be killed?”  
“No. He is angry at the loss of his mate. I want no trouble from you, evil spirit.”  
“Is your medicine woman nearby?”  
“Yes.” He pointed toward the south.  
“Take him to her quickly, and he might be spared, Siban. Warn your people not to approach me again or my wrath will take you all.” She stepped back and he dropped his spear and lifted his brother, then quickly ran toward the tree line with him over his shoulder.  
“You’re an evil spirit now?”  
“Last chance to go home, Haso. It is going to be very dangerous ahead until we can get over that mountain.  
“Let’s go.” He said with no hesitation.

They walked fast toward the sunset and paused only long enough for the mostly full moon to peak over the horizon behind them. Hasorav carried Cordrayla when she was too tired to ride. He had Jonayla get on the horse and ride when she got too tired to walk. Soon they reached the path up to the mountain that she knew well. The waning moonlight would be no good in the dense forest. Lighting a fire would only lead them to her. Jonayla stood shivering, wondering if the sun would rise before more danger found them. Hasarov put his arm around her and they waited for judgment.  
“I will protect you Jonayla. I will keep them away while you escape.”  
“Let’s hope that isn’t necessary.” They heard a crunching sound in the darkness. “We need a fire.”  
“I can’t see well enough to get the materials.”  
“I’m going to light the leaves under our feet. Help me push them into a pile. She knelt down and struck her firestone to get a spark. It took many but finally a small flame appeared. As the circle of sight grew as they added surrounding dead fall. They heard the distinctive whining growl of a bear. It had smelled the smoke and was headed away from them. They kept the smoky fire going until the sky began to lighten in the east.   
She looked at the boy holding her and her sleeping daughter in the early morning light. His eyes scanned for trouble.  
“I was so wrong Haso. I did need you.”  
He just smiled at her and continued scanning. When the trail became light enough to see she stamped out the smoldering fire and they began walking into the woods.  
“Do you think they will follow us?” He asked, constantly looking back down the trail.  
“That depends on whether those young men are all that is left of the Clan. If there are any elders left, they will either know me, or they know of me and we won’t be harmed. The fact that man did not care about a woman with a horse and was threatening to kill me tells me we are still in danger. Perhaps the ones that know me have all been killed, or they have fled to the other side.”  
“All the stories you told, they were never dangerous. I was completely stunned when he attacked you like that.”  
“Luckily for me he gave me enough threatening warnings for me to ready my sling. You did the right thing in not getting your weapon out. They were too close and would have killed you and Gray without hesitation. They did not fear me because women don’t use weapons. He may have just been trying to frighten me. I was not interested in waiting to find out.”  
“Did you…”  
“Kill him?”  
“Almost definitely. He may cling to life for a few days, but he will never wake up.”  
“Have you ever…”  
“No. Luckily I never had to do that. I hope I never have to again.” The trail began to climb upward, slowing their progress.  
“Someone’s coming.” He said readying his spear thrower.  
“Same as before. Stay back, protect the children. Do not threaten them.” She readied her sling under her wrap. The two men with spears skidded to a halt when they saw her. These were not the same ones from the previous day.  
“Greetings hunters of the Clan of the Cave Bear.”  
“Greetings Ayla of the Others. I am Udan of Lorg’s Clan. We are going to see if the pass is open.”  
“I don’t think it is.” She stepped aside and motioned for them to pass.  
“Then you should come back to our cave and wait.”   
“I don’t want to impose. I know our kind can make people nervous.”  
“The woman who brings us fire stones does not make us nervous. We will check if pass is open. Stay here and wait.” They ran by and disappeared up the trail. They reappeared a little while later. Jonalya had moved further up the trail to a small clearing and had started a fire. Both her and Hasorav were exhausted.  
“The pass is almost open. Maybe quarter moon.”  
“Why are you checking?” She asked.  
“Much bad happened. We want to bring warning to other Clans and call leaders for a meeting.”  
“Much bad?”  
“Many Others come, many killed.”  
“This is sad. Do you know a hunter named Siban?”  
“He start his own Clan after mate killed. He has no cave. He wanders looking for Others. Leader Lorg has tried to talk to him. Attacking only makes things worse.”  
“Thank you, Udan. He tried to kill me yesterday. He seemed possessed by evil spirits.”  
“Kill? You? A woman? This is bad.”  
“He will not harm anyone again. I hope your leader Lorg will understand.”  
“I will tell. You stay here?”  
“I think it is better.”  
He grunted and then the two hunters ran down the trail.  
“They were even bigger than the ones yesterday.” Hasorav said, finally relaxing when sounds diminished. He finished setting up the tent and put the sleeping furs inside. “You sleep. Cordrayla and I will keep watch.” Suddenly her exhaustion caught up with her and she did what he suggested. She fell asleep while the baby nursed.   
It was near sunset when the baby’s cry woke her. Jonayla climbed out of the tent and found a giant stack of firewood and a bunch of meat cut up and drying, a small roast on a stick above the fire.  
“You did all this while I slept?”  
“Cordrayla did most of it. I just helped.”  
“You two must be exhausted. Go ahead and lay down Haso.”  
“Later. I’m starving. And this smells so good.”  
“I envy the woman that mates you Haso.”  
“That could be you.”  
“I am more than twice your age. Could be your mother.”  
“But you aren’t. I’m going to get some more wood.”   
“There is plenty already. Sit down and eat and then go lay down.”  
“I knew you couldn’t resist me.”  
“Dream on, lover boy.” She said with a smile.

Jonayla crawled into the tent after the moon was high in the sky and the fire was well stoked. She looked at her children curled up next to Hasorav. He was so good with them. She realized Cordran hadn’t spent much time with them. He was there to have fun. A baby is rarely fun. Would she prefer he was here right now? The answer was yes. She missed him. She was responsible enough, she didn’t need a responsible man to compliment her. He made her feel young and light and beautiful. She could still go back and live out her life there in the tundra. Just like her stories, the bad ones fade to the back while the good ones are ever present. Cordran was at the summer meeting right now drinking and sleeping with every woman he can. He was probably just as reckless on the mammoth hunt and maybe he even died this time. If she crossed this mountain it would be as if he were dead.  
“You alright?” Hasorav asked.  
“I guess.”  
“I love waking up to your face, I just wish for once it was a happy one.” She smiled. “Yes like that. Are you worried about them coming back? I can stand guard.”   
“They won’t come back. Not at night. The fire will keep away the animals. Go back to sleep.”  
“Tell me what is bothering you.”  
“I made the wrong decision. You should be home and I should be in his furs.”


	5. Walked Across The World

“The pass is mostly open. I think the horse will get us through.” Jonayla said, walking down the path. They hooked up the travois and headed up the steep hill. They all got on the horse and Gray powered through the drift, covering them in snow but they were able to hold on and they rounded the ledge and saw the magnificent green valley below.  
“I have never seen anything like this. It is so… green.”  
“This is why I needed to come home.” Jonayla said, happy to be so much closer to home.  
The horse quickly brought them down to the river. It had been almost three moons since they were near an abundance of water like this. Hasorav got a fire going, and then stripped down and dove in and came up sputtering about how cold it was. Jonayla left the baby sleeping on a blanket, then stripped down and walked into the cold river. Cordrayla dipped her toe and shook her head. There was no way she was going in. They washed in the river and then dried by the fire while Jonayla washed her children with warmed water. They ate dinner and watched the sun set with brilliant colors. They lay on their backs and watched the stars emerge before the moon could come out and spoil the immensity of it all.  
“All of that walking, all of those cold nights. Was it all worth it, Haso?”  
“Most definitely. Your stories told of beautiful lands, but I never imagined anything quite like this. Is it much further to the Lanzadonii?”  
“Only another moon.”  
“Another moon?”  
“It is only a few days to the Zelandonii summer meeting. We’ll stay there and visit with family for a while. A runner will be sent to the Lanzadonii with news of our arrival. My guess is a lot of my family will come to see me here.”  
“What will I do?”  
“What do you want to do?”  
“I don’t know.”  
“You can hang out with all the boys your age. I guess you are almost ready for a Donii woman.”  
“What’s that?”  
“Like a redfoot.”  
“Oh.”  
“Maybe next year would be better.”  
“No, I’m ready.  
“I bet you are.”  
“Have you ever been…”  
“A Donii woman? No. I have taught men what they need to know about me, but not young boys like you.”  
“Oh.”  
“You want an old lady like me to be your Donii woman? Silly boy.”  
“I’m still a boy to you?”  
“Yes Haso, you are just a boy to me. In the Clan you become a man when you kill your first large animal. In the Zelandonii manhood is less defined, but usually when you give up reckless living and commit to providing for a family. You have done well protecting and provided for us. You are too young to give up the reckless fun of youth. You should be home enjoying your life instead of taking care of another man’s family.”  
“I couldn’t enjoy it worrying about whether you were safe.”  
“I was never yours to worry about Haso.” She got up and went down to the river to pass water. She put some more wood on the fire and stood over him looking down. “I do owe you a debt Haso. You have sacrificed much for us. I will make sure you have a good home for the winter and I will do what I can to get you back home next year, short of taking you there myself.”  
“Will that home be with you?”  
“No, I don’t think so.”  
“I want to be with you.”  
“I know you do. You will find someone more appropriate. I can help with that if you want.”  
“I don’t want your help. I want you.”  
“And you think I owe you that much.” He didn’t say anything. “Fine, but don’t complain after. I warned you that you will be very disappointed. She removed her clothes and stood in the firelight, hands stretched up to the stars. He stood up and removed his clothes. He touched her awkwardly, wanting to look and touch everywhere at once. She let him fumble around for a while and then she pulled at his manhood with her hand. He spent himself into the air within seconds.  
Jonayla bent down to retrieve her clothes but he stopped her. “Teach me. Please, Jonayla, Teach me.”  
She looked into his pleading eyes. He was still just the child she had watched grow up over the past few years. She put her hands on either side of his face and closed her eyes. She pulled his mouth to hers and tried to pretend he was a man worthy of loving her. He wasn’t. She had always gone to older, more experienced lovers that she only had to tweak their skill to her particular needs of the moment. Even though Cordran had been younger, he was well experienced by the time he had walked across the world for her.  
Jonayla pulled away from Hasorav with that realization. “He walked across the world for me.” She whispered.  
“What?” He asked, wondering if he had kissed her incorrectly.  
“I’m sorry Haso. I don’t know how to teach you.” She picked up her clothes and walked into the darkness. She dressed watching the frustrated boy in the ring of the firelight doing the same.

The stories she grew up with were of a man who walked across the world and rescued her mother from a life of simple loneliness and took her back to his people to live an extraordinary life surrounded by people that loved her. Without realizing it at the time, this is why she had fallen in love with Cordran, and then followed him back to Mammoth Camp.  
Mammoth Camp was not extraordinary in any way. The leader who had built it was a vain and egocentric man. He had built individual lodges which gave no sense of community, no common purpose for survival. The long house was built after the third winter when many had gone stir crazy in the isolation. The damage had been done, and there was little cohesion in the hearths, and people began to leave for other camps. Young couples found their new place in the Mammoth camp and slowly it became a collection of unrelated families without the wisdom that comes from generational living.  
Cordran’s mother never kept a mate more than one winter and had children that reflected her eclectic choice in sexual partners. She was a bitter old crone when Jonayla arrived. No longer able to have children, no longer able to attract men to her bed, only the youngest of her children keeping her company during the long winters.  
Jonayla found the desolation of the steppes little better in summer than winter. Had her golden thread plants not failed and gave her a second pregnancy, she would have left at the beginning of that summer. Then Yurie’s broken leg, and a man she thought she loved begging her to stay. The memory of a life of plenty and love beginning to fade, she chose to stay hoping it would become more. Each year it became less. She was chasing the romanticized world of her father in a man that could not have been more opposite.   
She watched the boy attend to her sleeping children with love and tenderness. He was no Cordran. He was no Jondalar. He was a Kinidar, another boy she never saw as a man despite the relentless proof of his love for her in his actions. The cool night gave her a shiver so she returned to the fire.   
“I’m sorry Hasorav. You deserve better than what I have given back to you. You are not the man of my dreams, you could never be that. Because of that I have no interest in giving you what you want from me.”  
“It’s alright. I understand.” He whispered, sad he could not measure up to her ideal.  
“I don’t think you do. You fell in love with the stories, just like I did. You left your family and life behind for a place that doesn’t really exist. I did the same for a man that didn’t really exist.”  
“I left to be with you. I have watched you for years. You are the perfect woman.”  
“I am far from perfect.”  
“You are the perfect woman for me. I know I am young and not what you want right now. But I can become whatever you need me to be. You only need to show me what that is.”  
“I don’t know what that is, and you should not be changing yourself to suit the whims of an old woman.”  
“You are not old, and who should I become other than what a woman needs me to be for her. Even if it is not you that chooses me as a mate, am I not born to serve whatever woman chooses me? Is that not my purpose on this Earth? It certainly isn’t to drink booza and talk about all my conquests of women and beasts. Cordran…”  
“What?”  
“It isn’t my place to repeat his words.”  
“Tell me.”  
“All he ever did was brag about bringing the most beautiful woman in the world back, like you were a trophy. That’s how he got hurt, he was trying to kill the biggest mammoth all by himself. He cared more about the getting than the having. He took Saragee into his furs the night you left. She’s barely a woman and she told me he promised to mate her already. She’s just his next trophy. You deserve better than that. I can be that if you let me.”  
“Saragee. That is the kind of girl you should be with. Did you want her?”  
“No, not really.” He lied. Jonayla thought maybe she understood Hasorav a little better. Women wanted older, more mature men. She was no exception. Hasorav would be competing for a limited supply of girls with older men that they were more naturally attracted to. A young man’s life is trapped in frustration until he can prove himself superior to the others. That is why they take the crazy risks, the dangerous paths, to prove themselves worthy.  
“You know Haso, if I become your Donii woman, your redfoot, we can never be mated.”  
“That’s not true, is it?”  
“It is true here in Zelandonia. My father was expelled from the community because he and his Donii woman fell in love.”  
“I’m already in love with you.”  
“As you have proven endlessly on this journey. I am not in love with you, and I never will be. I can teach you how to please a woman, how to please me, and then you will know for sure I am not the one for you. Is that what you want?” He looked away from her up at the stars. “You think about that Haso. Think about how beautiful I must have been at your age and how much better a life will be with that person, not me.”  
She climbed into her sleeping roll and fell asleep with some difficulty.

“Jonayla, wake up. More Clan men.”  
Jonayla jumped up and looked around. In the dawn light she saw the row of men near the tree line. She saw Hasorav pulling a spear out of his carrier. “Relax Haso. This is a good sign.”  
“What do you mean? They look angry.”  
“They don’t smile. Ever. Watch the children.” She whistled for Gray and jumped easily on her back when she came. She rode across the field and for the first time in a very long time felt freedom. She slowed and stopped the horse well short of the hunting group. She jumped down and held her arms out and began walking toward them she immediately recognized two of the faces but only remembered one of their names.  
“Greetings Gorg. Do you remember me?”  
He tapped the side of his head and motioned “Clan remember all, Ayla of Others. We not expect visit this early. Is there problem?”  
“Much problem on other side. Runners will come soon. That is not why I am here. I have traveled many moons, far from the sunrise. We crossed the pass yesterday. This is still Clan territory?” He nodded with a grunt. “That is so good to hear. They are not as lucky on the other side.”  
“They do not mix children in summers like we do. All grow up to respect other. You, Ayla of Others, give us this.” She felt the rush of warmth, remembering that it was her childish idea so many years before that made this happen.  
“We go now. Walk with Ursus, Gorg.”  
“Walk with Ursus.” They turned and disappeared into the woods. She jumped back onto the horse and rode hard across the grassy field.  
“Is everything alright?”  
“Could not be better. Are you ready to head south?” He nodded and began packing up camp. They walked along the river and through the notch it cut into the Zelandonia territory. Far down the valley on the other side of the river she saw a large herd of black bison running north. She knew it was probably doing that because hunters were culling a few of their number for the summer meeting. The herd crossed the river behind them and went through the notch. She hoped Gorg and his hunters were able to get what they needed as well.  
They made camp at dusk and again swam in the cold, slow moving river. This time Cordrayla joined them for a brief time. Her swimming skills were weak, but sufficient. They ate and relaxed in the lingering warmth of the sun as it fell to the western hills. Jonayla was more relaxed and free than she had felt for many years. She looked at Hasorav with a creeping desire. After she had fed the baby and put him down to sleep she looked at the boy. “Have you decided Haso?”  
“Decided?”  
“Am I to be your redfoot, or your continued object of desire.”  
“You would be both should I choose the path of instruction. Therefore, I will wait, and keep my hope alive.” Jonayla was strangely disappointed with his decision.  
“That’s too bad. I was starting to warm to the idea of having you inside me.”  
“Really?”  
“I guess you’ll never know.” She rolled over in her furs and smiled to herself.  
A few minutes passed before she heard him moving and felt him crawl beside her. “Teach me.”  
She turned and looked into his eyes. “No Hasorav. I will not teach you.” He looked cheated, realizing she was just teasing him. She pulled back her furs to reveal her body. “You’ll just have to figure it out on your own.” She pulled his mouth down to hers and wordlessly taught him how she like to be kissed. As the fire beside them died down, the fire inside them grew. She thought of all the men that had done this to her over the years. Each one unique in their own way. Different smells, different sounds, different rhythms, different sizes. They desired her beauty, now faded. They desired her status, all but tossed aside. They desired the woman she pretended to be, not the girl she wanted to be. Riding her horse, wild and free of all commitments and responsibilities, was who she always dreamed of being.  
She enjoyed the smooth skin of the boy as he moved on top of her. No breath tinged with barma, no loud grunting with every thrust. Instead his mouth produced delicate words as he looked at her. “I have loved you from the moment I saw you. I dreamed of this every second since. The sight of you made my heart beat faster, and the sound of your laughter was more beautiful than the birds in the sky. I was there with you in every story you told. I could smell the grass, feel the rain, taste the salt water, see the rainbows, all through your eyes. You are the bright light in darkest night. You are the hot sun in my winter depths. You are perfection Jonayla. I love you. I love you, Jonayla, I love you.” The rhythm of his words matched the thrusting of his body.  
She was lost in his words and the eyes that spoke them. Her smile widened as she felt the joy of his love for her penetrate her heart. She gripped him and went rigid as she exploded in orgasmic ecstasy. Her head pitched back as wave after wave of pleasure broke through her detachment and need for emotional distance. He was inside her more deeply than any man had ever been. She began sobbing as she pulled at him to continue thrusting harder and faster. Finally his words trailed off and his need rose and filled her. She gripped him tightly with arms and legs and would not let him pull away until her final salty tear had fallen. Her hands went to his face when he lifted himself up. She pulled him down for one final kiss.  
He was no longer a boy in her eyes. He was a man unlike any she recognized. Had he proposed mating at that moment, she would not have hesitated to agree. But that moment faded and the only words he had for her were ones of gratitude which she echoed. She walked to the river on unsteady legs and washed herself, the cold water bringing her back to reality.   
Hasorav had added wood to the fire and he sat facing it, naked on his sleeping roll. She knelt behind him and put her arms around him. He had questions to ask, but knew this was not the time. She wondered what it was that had happened. It certainly wasn’t his physical actions. He had a boy’s body with a boy’s immature movements. Could it have been those simple words that did that, or the novelty of something new after so many months of nothing? He felt her shiver so he turned and pulled her around to his lap, the fire light warming and illuminating her. His fingers traced all her lines. Scars, stretch marks, sags, hairlines, folds. She saw all of the flaws she had accumulated over her life. He saw the uniqueness in her life, each line another story in which he imagined himself walking beside her. She stood and went to her sleeping roll, then dragged it around to his side of the children. When his arms enfolded her, she felt a peace she had never known before.   
They woke to an agitated Gray, whinnying and stamping at the ground in the predawn light. The fire was low but burning, so it was unlikely a predator. Hasorav put the rest of the wood on the fire and it roared to life. He reached for his spears and scanned the darkness for the threat. Jonayla dressed and put the baby in her carrying blanket. She woke Cordrayla and held her close behind her, sling ready to throw.  
“Mommy, the river.” Jonayla turned and saw that it was indeed creeping closer to their camp. She lifted the girl onto the horses back and began tossing the bedrolls onto the travois.  
“The horse won’t stand still to get the harness on.” Hasarov said with frustration.  
“Nevermind her. Grab a pole and help me pull it.” They did so, following the horse to higher ground as their eyes adjusted from firelight to waning moonlight and saw that the forest was not far ahead. They heard the sizzle of their fire being consumed by the river behind them. Jonayla could tell before it went out that where they stood was well above the flood plain. She whistled for the horse to come back and she held the horse and thanked her for saving them. It is unlikely they were in mortal danger. They could have easily lost everything they owned if they had woken up in rising water with no time to dress, let alone grabbing water soaked supplies in the darkness of a quenched fire.  
They huddled on the hillside and watched the river widen slowly. When daylight finally came the valley was a lake with no perceptible movement downhill. They made their way along the edge of it, sometimes having to go into the woods to find a path around. The travois made this difficult so Jonayla decided to get rid of it and carry the most important of her belongings. At the bottom of the new lake they found a leaking dam of fallen trees and debris. This would break soon enough and the next section of the river would be inundated. Traveling in its future path would be quickest, but the most dangerous. She knew of another path to the west and considered quickly crossing the river while there was time. She told him her plan as they headed down into the seemingly normal river valley.  
“There may be people downstream that don’t know this is coming.” Hasorav said as they exited the river and climbed up the other side.  
“We won’t be able to warn them if we are swept up in the flood ourselves.”  
“I will run down the valley and warn anyone. I will meet you at the other end.”  
“It is too dangerous.”  
“Yes, but what I story I will have to tell our grand children. I love you Jonayla.” He ran back down the hill and disappeared before she could stop him. She hoped he knew the Zelandonii words for ‘river flood’ or it would be a waste of his time and probably his life. She slung his pack on the back of the horse and continued over the hill to the high path.   
The sound of the temporary dam breaking and water roaring echoed past her, filling her with dread. She got up on the horse and rode as fast as Gray could carry them until they reached an overlook she saw people standing on the ledge of the nineteenth cave watching the torrent of water run past. She knew Hasarov could not have outrun that. His only hope was to have climbed one of the walls to safety. Growing up on the steppes he would not have any mountain climbing skills.   
She rode on more slowly now, mourning her loss of the foolish boy. When she reached the crossing she had told him about he was not in sight. The lake was higher than normal, but was able to absorb most of the flooding water without endangering anyone. She waited, half expecting to see his body float by. She did see a few animal carcasses floating by, but they were likely caught up in the initial flood the previous day from the look of their bloated bodies. She gave up and rode down the west side of muddy lake. Her excitement of hearing the noise generated by the summer meeting was tempered by her friend’s foolish sacrifice. The people at the edges looked at her strangely as she rode in. Some she knew waved, but did not greet her. This was more than unusual. She expected to be swarmed by everyone begging to hear stories of her Journey.  
Finally an older woman approached. “Jonayla. You’re back after all these years.”  
“Greetings Jodesa. It has been a long time.”  
“It is too bad you arrived so long after the funeral. I guess it took a long time for word to get to you.”  
“Funeral? What funeral?”  
“Oh, you poor dear, you haven’t heard.” Jonayla’s head spun. Could she have come all this way to only find her parent’s dead and gone? “It was such a hard winter. So many hard winters these past years. Reminds me of when I was young.”  
“Who died Jodesa?” Jonayla snapped.  
“Oh, so many died. It was a killing sickness that swept through just as spring was upon us. So many, but the Ninth cave was hurt the worst.”  
“My parents?”  
“Oh no, they are fine dear. Your mother was an angel, coming down from the safety of the Lanzadonii to help us all. If it wasn’t for her, I would not have survived, I am certain. We laid almost a hundred souls to rest by the end of it. Mostly the young and old like me, but many of the Zelandonia fell too. So much has been lost.”  
“You said the Ninth cave?”  
“Most of your father’s family is gone. Folara, Joharan, mates and young children, all gone. It is truly the end of times when the Mother takes so many good people to her bosom.”  
“Is my mother here at the summer meeting?”  
“Oh, yes dear. She has taken over the duties as First and is training many new acolytes to replace the ones we have lost.” Jonayla ignored the rest of her ramblings and rode the horse hard toward the tent of the Zelandonia. She did not see Jondalar as she rode past the group of men talking trade craft. He shouted her name after his shock wore off and ran after her as best as his old legs could carry him. She was already off the horse and inside the tent when he arrived. He calmed the agitated horse who had been left in the middle of converging strangers. He talked to it, and was torn between seeing his long lost daughter and leading the horse to a safer place. He chose the less selfish way, and led the horse out to the pasture with Racer and the others.

“Mother!” Jonayla shouted as she entered the dark tent. They converged in the middle in a powerful embrace.  
“Oh Jonayla, I thought for sure you were never coming home. And Cordrayla has grown so much. And this is your new one. How handsome. Did Dura bring you back?”  
“Dura? No. I didn’t see Dura. Did she come to the Mamutoi to find me?”  
“Last year. Oh no, she didn’t make it. Oh…”  
“I sent word with Kendroman.”  
“He never made it. We believe he was attacked by wolves. Did Cordran’s leg heal? Is he here too?”  
“How did you know about his leg if Kendroman never made it here?”  
“Ura talked to Durc and told him about you.”  
“Then why would Dura risk coming?”  
“She was bringing you a message from me to stay and have a safe and healthy life there, not to risk everything to come back.”  
“I couldn’t stay mother. It is so much… less. You always talked about how you would have stayed, but it is so much better here.”  
“I guess it is. It was all I knew. I’m sorry if that is why you went.”  
“Jonayla!” Jondalar lifted her and swung her around in a bear hug. “Thank the Mother for bringing you safely home.”  
“Thank Hasorav.” She said after he set her down.  
“Who?”  
“Long story. I need to take Gray for water and grazing. I’m afraid I rode her too hard this morning.”  
“Already taken care of. Racer will protect her in the butterfly meadow. Your packs are at our camp. You look… well… like you need to get washed up.” He smoothed her hair. She reached up and realized her hair was a tangled mess.  
“It was a strange and terrible morning. I guess I should go clean up.”   
“I’ll be done here this afternoon and then we can catch up.” Ayla hugged her daughter. “It is the first drop of happiness in this terrible summer.”  
“I heard about the sickness. There may be many more gone after this morning’s flood.”  
“Flood? Where?”   
“Up in the valley of the Nineteenth.”  
“Oh no. Will the Mother never stop punishing these people?”  
Jonayla walked out of the tent, Jondalar carrying his granddaughter high on his shoulders to her great delight.

“Dura didn’t know the way to Mammoth camp. I left before the spring melt. She probably stayed with Lion Camp for the winter and is somewhere behind me.” She had doubts, knowing Dura running would have quickly caught up to her along the ice wall.  
“I hope so, Jonayla. That will be the end of Durc if she is gone.”  
“So, you traveled all that way alone?”  
“Cordran had no intention of coming back, but he wouldn’t admit it. He just kept making excuses. He has a good life there. He is happy to lose the complaining wife and nuisance children.”  
“I’m sorry Jonayla. Talut was much that way. I should have warned you.” Latie said.  
“You did, I didn’t listen. I have two perfect children, and a much better understanding of who I am and what I want.” Sadness fell across her face as she remembered that she had lost what she had gained only the night before. “Hasorav. Stupid boy.”  
“Who?”  
“Hasorav. When Cordran decided not to come back with me, this little twelve year old boy decided he would help and protect me on my journey. He was smitten with me, and he really did help me. I’m not sure I would have made it across without him. I kept trying to send him back, but he wouldn’t stop until he met all the people from my stupid stories.” They all looked around, wondering why he wasn’t there with her. “He died in the flood this morning.”  
“Oh no.”  
“Stupid boy. We were safe. He decided to run down the valley of the Nineteenth to warn people. They probably wouldn’t even have listened to a stranger that barely knew their language.”  
“So many bad things happening.”  
“Worse is on the other side of the mountain. A Clan hunter was crazed with hatred. He tried to kill me.”  
“No!” Ayla exclaimed, shocked beyond all expectation. “That is not who they are.”  
“Certainly not how most of them are. You told the stories of Broud. I saw that in this man. He gave me plenty of warning, like he just wanted to scare me away. I think it enraged him that I didn’t run away in fear. I was able to get my sling ready and end his rage when he attacked. Two hunters from that side told me that most of the remaining Clan had been murdered. The Losadunaii are not done with their killing. The ones that remain would be smart to cross the mountain and never go back. Those on the our side are doing well. They continue the dialog with children and they have kept their border intact. As Gorg told me just a few days ago, there is respect.”  
“All because of you.” Jondalar said.  
“It was just an idea.”  
“It was a great idea, thought of at the right time, and given to people that could make it happen. Are you done traveling?”  
“Maybe. I do want to trade, but I’m not sure that is all I want. Did Kinidar go with Dura?”  
“No, she took Lanidurc. I hope they are alright.”


	6. Beautiful Man

“My beautiful man.”  
“Dura? Is that you?”  
“It is. This is my son, Lanidurc.”  
“What brings you here. Do you live on the other side of the river?”  
“No. I only passed though the Clan area on my way to the great Eastern sea.”  
“Is it far?”  
“More than twenty times the length of the Great Mother river.”  
“Wow. You are on your way back?”  
“No. I have been home long enough to have and raise this boy. How has your life been?”  
“Dozens of mates, hundreds of kids, just like you told me to do.” She knew he was lying. “My mate is down on the boat with our cross mates and three children. Would you like to meet them?”  
“Yes, I would. Would they like to meet us?” His brow knotted with consternation. “I thought as much. That is why we waited until you were alone.” She motioned for Lanidurc to run back into the woods and give her privacy.  
“Is he… a child of my spirit?”  
“You mean a coward? No, not at all.” She answered with a smile.  
“You know what I meant. Why are you so mean to me?”  
“Because I love you. I was alone for years after I met you. You were always in my thoughts, and my thoughts were often of coming back here.”  
“I wish you had. You are more beautiful than ever.”  
“Too bad you are still a terrible liar.” She reached up and pulled his face down and kissed him. “Goodbye my beautiful man.”  
“You’re leaving?”  
“Yes.”  
“You came all this way just to kiss me?”  
“No. I came all this way to tell you how much you meant to me. I want you to know that I will be looking for you in the next world. I hope you will spend part of eternity with me.”  
He nodded and wiped away a tear. “Goodbye Dura.” She smiled and ran into the woods.  
“He’s taller than I expected.” Lanidurc said as they ran up the trail. “Why didn’t you stay longer?”  
“Because I wouldn’t want to leave.”  
“You love him more than father?”  
“No, not more. Different. Will we catch up to Jonayala still?”  
“No, I don’t think so. If the mountain pass is blocked with snow longer than usual, then maybe.”  
“I think I should have stayed with your brother. I like the Lanzadonii, but people will never accept me as equal.”  
“That is the lesson to be learned. You do not need their acceptance. All you need is their respect. Be someone of value, and they will respect you.”  
“I could have been ranked high in Rune’s Clan. I could have been the next leader like him.”  
“Yes, you could. I will take you back there if you want to go.”  
“I know the way.”   
She stopped running. “This is a big decision. Every step we take down this path is further away from that.” She could see his indecision.  
“I wish we had spent the winter there instead of Lion Camp.”  
“We could have if you had been more careful and not hurt your foot.”  
“If I hadn’t hurt my foot, we would have found Jonayla last year and have run home already. It was only because of the winter that we had time to run to Rune’s cave.”  
She knew he was right. “I hope you have learned your lesson.”  
“Watch the path, not the birds.”  
“What is your decision?”  
“Tell father I will miss him.” He kissed her cheek and ran back down the path toward the mother river. Just like that his future was going to be completely different. She stood there, half expecting him to change his mind again. So many times she made similar world changing decisions. Only one of them hung as a regret. She walked back down the path and then started a slow run.  
“My beautiful man.”  
“I knew you wouldn’t me leave this time.”  
“Maybe I won’t.”

Jonayla couldn’t sleep in the crowded noisy tent. She finally gave up and used the early morning moonlight to check on the horses. There were so many of them now, all vying for her attention. She wrapped her arms around Gray and thanked her again for her life. She spread her bedroll at the edge of the field and finally got to sleep.   
Bright sunlight blinded her when she woke. She covered her eyes with her hand, then the fur. The horses chortled nearby. ”Jonayla, wake up.”  
“No. I just got to sleep before sunrise. You people are so noisy.”  
“Fine. If you wish to continue thinking I am dead.”   
She sat up, blinded again, but knowing his voice. She held out her arms and he filled them and held her tightly. “I am so glad you are alive Haso. That was a foolish thing to do.”  
“Not foolish for the seven people I saved. If you had taught me your language better, it wouldn’t have been such a close call.”  
Her eyes finally adjusted and she saw many were standing around watching the tearful reunion. He helped her up. “Everyone, this is my friend Hasorav, son of the Tiger Hearth of the Mammoth camp of the Mamutoi.”  
“He told us he was your future mate.” Latie said good naturedly.  
“He has his foolish dreams.” She said, but squeezed him tightly.  
Ayla stepped forward. “I greet you Hasorav, son of the Tiger Hearth of the Mammoth camp of the Mamutoi. I am Ayla of the Mammoth Hearth of the Lion Camp of the Mamutoi. I am forever in your debt for bringing my daughter safely home to me.”  
“I finally meet the legend. I have heard stories about you my entire life. Tell me one thing. Did you really ride on the back of a lion?”  
“What do you believe?” She asked enigmatically.  
“I want to believe its true.”  
“Then it must be.” She leaned forward and kissed his cheek. She whispered in his ear. “It is absolutely true, but let everyone else wonder if it is or not.”  
He smiled and nodded. “I guess that’s why they call them legends.” He said.  
Latie offered him her formal introduction, happy to have another of her people to converse with. Jonayla stayed by his side and translated when necessary. She didn’t want to let him go.

“He’s too young for you Jonayla.” Jondalar said.  
“I agree completely. Tell him that.”  
“How old were you and Zolena when…” Ayla asked.  
“And that was just as wrong.”  
“And she isn’t his Donii woman.” Ayla added. “You aren’t, right?”  
“I taught him nothing but the language. I don’t know why you are all upset. I am not mating him, that was just his… fantasy. I am still mated to Cordran and I am not even thinking about severing the knot yet.”  
“It is wrong for you to lead him on like that.” Jondalar scolded.  
“Lead him on? I did everything to get rid of him. He is more stubborn than anyone I know. You are wasting your breathe on me. Go set him straight.” Jondalar got up, started to say something, then left without saying it.  
“Okay Jonayla. Tell us the truth.” Latie demanded knowingly.  
“I don’t know what you mean.”  
“You think we don’t know that look?” Ayla said.  
“It was exactly as I said… until the night before the flood.”  
“Go on.” Latie encouraged.  
“He kept bugging me, like I owed it to him, and I finally gave in. It’s not like I haven’t been with a man just to shut him up. Then in the middle he started talking to me in these soft beautiful words.”  
“He talked to you? In the middle of it?” Latie asked, confused.  
“It was like we went somewhere else, up out of our bodies. He reached inside and pulled my spirit out and we flew up to the stars. It was like it never has ever been for me. I doubt it will ever happen again. Not like that. It was just the timing of it all. I was so happy to be almost home, the danger behind us.”   
“You’re going to try again, right?” Latie asked.  
Jonayla shrugged. “Up until a few hours ago I had given him up for dead. I need to think. I need to sleep.” She yawned.  
Ayla took the baby from her. “We’ll take care of the children. Get some rest.”

“You’re just child.” Jondalar said in his weak Mamutoi.  
“Yes, sir. I am only thirteen years old.”  
“Jonayla say twelve.”  
“I was twelve when I start. I was born at summer meeting. I change my counting number when I arrive summer meeting.”  
“What makes you think my daughter will mate you?”  
“She will not mate me. I only want it. She tells me you would understand this… desire.”  
“She wrong. I no understand. You stay away from her.”  
Hasorav was silent for a moment. He said in his weak Zelanodoni. “She tell me this, I go. You no control her.” He put down his bone platter and stood up to face the much taller man trying to intimidate him. “We both love her. We both want protect. She no need protect. If she do, who better can?” He smiled, turned, and walked away. He was stopped almost immediately by people from the Nineteenth cave wanting to thank him for saving their kin. He accepted their gratitude with modesty.  
Jondalar wondered what it was he didn’t like about the boy. When he first came into camp looking for Jonayla, Jondalar took an instant disliking to him. His foreign clothes, his foreign accent, his darkly tanned skin. Then he realized what it was. He saw some of Ranec in the boy. He wondered if he was born of Ranec’s spirit, or essence.

“Your father does not like me.” Hasorav said.  
“He is protective. He will get used to you.”  
“He told me to leave and never see you again.”  
“He did? That doesn’t sound like him.”  
“I told him if that is what you wanted it, I would leave. Is that what you want?”  
Jonayla sorted through the few remaining things in her packs. She avoided looking at him. He was scared she would say yes. “I’ll never be your mate. You need to know that.”  
“I know that. You say it many times. You also say other things that become not true. Not lie, just not completely true. You feel something different. Something changed in you. If not for flood maybe we not talk like this, we talk under furs.”  
“Do you want to ride a horse?”  
“I not try alone yet, but I want to. I see many horses here. We ride together on separate horses?”   
She nodded. “I need to feed the baby. I will meet you up there.”

“Hasorav. What are you doing here?” Latie asked as she brushed down one of the mostly white horses.  
“I think it is a test. Jonayla wants to know if I can keep up with her on horse’s back. I think she hopes I will fail.”  
“You’ve never ridden alone?”  
“No, just on back while she controls it.”   
Latie waved him over to one of the bigger mares. “Do you know how to brush?”  
“Yes. I brush Gray many times on journey here.”  
As he brushed her she told him everything he needed to know about controlling the horse.  
“Talking about it is not the same as doing it. It will take some time to get the feel of it. This would be a good horse for you to start with. She is very smart and loves to run. Here comes Jonayla.”  
Jonayla strode up confidently and whistled for Gray. She hopped easily onto her back. She smiled at the two conspiring Mamutoi as she rode Gray over to them. “You like this one?” She asked him.  
“I don’t know the difference.” She whistled for Racer.  
“Oh Jonayla, that’s just mean.” Latie said.  
“What?” Hasorav asked a little fearfully.  
“Don’t worry. Just hold on tight and try not to cry.” She said with a wink. She helped him up onto the brown stallion. They took off in a run and several other of the horses followed them. He quickly realized that the bouncing of the horse was eventually going to send him to the ground in an unkind way. He squeezed his legs together and managed to separate his bottom from the horse and move his legs with the strides. He loved the feeling of fast motion, not unlike sliding down an icy hill. Jonayla looked back, surprised he was still with her and smiling. She turned and headed down a narrow path and the horses fell in line and darted into the dark woods. He ducked branches that seemed to come out of nowhere. They broke out into another meadow by a stream. Jonayla made a wide lazy circle and then hopped off to let the horses drink from the stream.  
“You did well. Latie gave you good instructions.”  
“You wanted me to fall.”  
“I expected you to fall. I wanted you to do exactly what you did. Take off your clothes.” He only hesitated a moment. “Now undress me.” He smiled and approached her but she dodged him. He chased her but she was just too fast for him, until she got winded and fell laughing in the grass. “You make me feel young again Haso.”  
He kissed her mouth and she responded passionately. Then he began undressing her, taking the time to kiss and taste what he exposed. She didn’t tell him what to do, but he figured out what she liked from her moans. When he moved up and pushed inside her, the words began to flow. They were different ones this time describing what he felt as he revealed and tasted her body. She thought she was ready for them, the novelty of something so different worn off and inconsequential. Instead it took her to new heights, flying even further outside her body.  
Among his words she heard her words floating up as well. There was encouragement, gratitude, and the greatest surprise to her, professions of her love for him. When she opened her eyes she did not see a brash confident man happy with his conquest. She saw a knowing smile of sincere gratitude for once again allowing him into her life.


	7. Words

Dura stopped and knelt, retching out the last of the dark berries she had eaten. She was frightened that they might have been poisonous, though the leaves looked exactly like ones she had eaten before. The day before the sky had been clear enough to see the twin peaks of the passage. There was a lot of snow on them. She hoped the pass was still open. In the constant dry cold next to the ice wall it was hard to know the season. The sun was still high, and the nights seemed very short. She was constantly craving more sleep. Now she was sick and there were no medicinal plants until she made it to the mountains ahead. Two more days. Just make it two more days Dura. She drank some water and felt a little better, but she pushed too hard and began to feel dizzy. She stopped at a tiny glacial stream and rested.  
“Maybe it is time mother to be together once again.” She said to the sky, falling back on the hard ground and giving up.  
“Not yet my daughter. Your time for running is over, but our time together is still many years ahead.”  
“Thank you for protecting me all these years through all these stupid journeys.”  
“You needed no protection Dura. You have always done the smart thing and never once lost sight of what you wanted, even when that changed.”  
“You saved Kinidar, didn’t you?”  
“You would not have forgiven yourself and you would have given up. You would have become reckless without him.”  
“Thank you.”  
“I’m tired of saving your father from his stupidity. Tell him I am done. The next time he is on his own and we will be reunited.”  
“He wants that more than anything.”  
“No, he wanted you to become everything you have. You are the key to the future of the Clan.”  
“I was the key. I am done. Can’t I be done now?”  
“No, not yet. There is one more life that needs you. You are not sick Dura. That beautiful man left a beautiful boy inside you.”  
“But I took the plants.”  
“The Mother always gets what she desires.”  
“Did she make Kinidurc go back?”  
“No, you did that when you showed him a better way of life.”  
“That is no life. That is barely survival.”  
“Yes, my dear sweet child. Survival of the Clan. Survival of the humans. Survival of the great Mother herself.”  
“Father said you would come to me at the end of my journey. Is this the end. Do I stay here?”  
“You know better than that. Kinidar waits for you. Durc waits for you. This is the end of your journeying. Enjoy this last run home.”  
“How will I die mother?”  
“In bed, surrounded by the future of humanity that you have created. See you then, my beautiful girl.”  
Dura woke and saw the birds circling above. Her head spun as she sat up. She put her face down in the stream and drank her fill. The clouds had cleared. The mountains were closer. The top of the wall glistened in the afternoon sun. She filled her water bag and ate some dried meat.  
“Thank you mother. Thank you.” Dura began walking and she took the time to notice the simple life that surrounded her in the most inhospitable place on earth.  
She slept well that night and ate lightly to avoid the nausea. The place to turn south approached and she saw a lone hunter up ahead. He was walking slowly with a limp, dragging his spear. She approached cautiously until she saw the red hair.  
“Cordran? What are you doing out here?”  
“Trying to catch up to my mate.”  
“She’s already home by now, you silly man. You told me you were done with her.”  
“I thought I was. How did you end up behind me?”  
“I went to visit family. My son decided to stay with them.”  
“That’s right, you weren’t alone. Kin… Kina something.”  
“Are you feeling well?”  
“No. Haven’t eaten in a while. My friends in the Clan will help me. Almost there.”  
“Stop and sit down. Here. Take some of this deer meat. Chew it slowly.” She felt his forehead. He was burning up.

“He described what he did?” Latie said as they walked the horses down the road.  
“Not like he was telling a story about what happened. It was more… I don’t know. It was more the way he said it than what he was saying.”  
“All I would get from Durc is ‘Grunt, I push in. Grunt, I pull out. My leg hurts. Get on top.’ That would not be sexy.”   
Jonayla burst out laughing. “I imagine not. I’ll try to remember some of it next time. It is like it goes to a different place in my brain where remembering doesn’t happen.”  
“Like birth pains?”  
“I guess. Maybe it is that I’m just not there in my body anymore.”  
“Where do you think he learned that. His redfoot?”  
“He says he hasn’t had one yet. And, based on his physical skills I believe him.”  
“That bad?”  
“Until he starts talking. Then he slows down and is so soft and gentle and just…oooh.”  
“Oooh? I haven’t had Oooh since your father got me pregnant. I could use a little oooh.”  
“You could be his redfoot. Then maybe you’ll understand.”  
“Aren’t you his redfoot now?”  
“In Zelandonia a redfoot, called a Donii woman, is forbidden from mating her students.”  
“That’s what the scandal with Jondalar was. I never understood that. I thought it was their age or that she was a Zelandoni. That makes so much more sense. Redfoots aren’t banned from it, but it is frowned upon. Wait… are you saying you are purposely not being his Donii woman so you can be with him in the future?” Jonayla just smiled. “You devious woman.”  
“He’s too young. Uh oh, here he comes. Don’t you dare say a word.” Jonayla insisted.   
“I seem to remember you having no problem embarrassing me with my secrets.”  
“I was just getting you and Kinidar together. If you say something embarrassing, he may never do it again.”  
“Fine, I won’t say anything.” Latie agreed.  
“I saw the Western Sea. It’s so… big!”  
“That is soooo descriptive Hasorav. I feel like I’ve already been there.”  
“Latie, stop it.” Jonayla said under her breath, slapping her shoulder.  
“Stop what?” He asked.  
“Latie was wondering if she could be your redfoot. She thought it would be easier since she speaks your language.”  
“You are so going to pay for that.” Latie said.  
Jonayla leaned over to Hasorav pretending he was whispering something to her. “What do you mean she is too old and fat? That’s not nice to say.”  
“I said no such thing Latie.” He said, playing along with the word game. “You are ten times as beautiful as this old hag. You have the advantage of being Mamutoi woman. No Zelandonii woman could compare. The women here are so unattractive Jondalar had to go across the world to find the most beautiful woman. And what was she?”  
“Mamutoi!“ Latie and he said in unison.  
“I can’t believe you called me a hag.” Jonayla said in mock sadness.  
“I am so sorry… that the truth hurts you.” He jumped out of the way as she swung at him.   
The boy that had been running with them was left out of the antics since he didn’t speak Mamutoi.  
“Sorry Dustano. Just some friendly family fun. Are they expecting us?”  
“Yes. They have plenty of salt and dried fish. They probably won’t take any of the bison since they seem to be everywhere this year. I told them you had twenty Lanzadonii knives, but I’m not sure if that was right.”  
“Close enough. How many do they want?”  
“As many as you have. They told me that some boats have been coming up the coast from the south and they can get twice for the knives what they pay us.”  
“You can double your price then?” Hasorav said.  
“No. These are good people. We get plenty of value for the knives as it is. I guess we are eating the bison tonight when we camp. Thank you Dustano for showing Haso the way. You can head home now if you want.”  
“And miss out on Bison roast? I would rather run home slowly on a full belly. It is good to have you back Jonayla.”  
“It is good to be back.”   
They set up camp at a well used site near a mountain spring. Hasorav did much of the work setting up camp while the women watched.  
“I can definitely see the value of someone younger. He has so much… energy.” Latie said. “I think I’m going to get some red paint for my feet. You may regret offering my services.”  
“He’s all yours. I have plenty of cottonweed for my ears. I can’t believe how hard it is to sleep near noisy people after three months alone.”  
“But you weren’t alone.”  
“He knew when to be quiet.”  
“And when to talk…” Latie said.

“He didn’t say a word?”  
“He said ‘Sorry’ a couple times. Are you sure this is the same kid?”  
They thought he was far enough ahead that they could talk without him hearing. He turned with a smile and walked backwards. “I only have words for the love of my life.” He turned back around and skipped ahead, remembering the next rise revealed the deep blue sea.  
“He has exceptional hearing.” Latie said with a chuckle.  
“Or we are going deaf and don’t realize it.” Jonayla walked quietly in thought. “Love of his life.” Jonayla repeated.  
“I doubt I have much more to teach him. I think you have no choice other than finding out where it goes with him.”  
They left their camp set up, and stayed there the following night after trading their goods.  
“Who’s furs do I sleep in tonight?” He asked brazenly, a grin ear to ear.  
“Your own.” Jonayla said. She was exhausted after the climb and the baby took the rest of the energy out of her.  
“That’s fine.” He said, throwing a few more logs on the fire and sitting at her feet. He reached under her furs and began massaging Jonayla’s feet.   
She quickly sat upright. She looked at Latie. “Did you teach him that last night?”  
“I didn’t know that was something a man would do. Ayla massaged my feet a few times during my pregnancy. He just did it, without asking?”  
She lay back down and moaned. “Oh Haso, I wish you had been doing this on our journey. I would have fallen in love with you long ago.”  
“Me next?” Latie asked.  
“If Jonayla wishes me to.”  
“He’s all mine tonight. Better get out your cottonwood.”  
Latie listen intently to the whispered words among Jonayla’s moans. She understood very little of it, but brought herself to climax several times just on the low rhythms of it and the sounds of Jonayla’s enjoyment.

“You told him you loved him?”  
“I didn’t.”  
“I heard you.”  
“I just say things… because it feels so good. He knows I don’t mean it.”  
“How much longer are you going to lie to yourself? You are head over heels in love with him.”  
“It’s just physical.”   
“Put cottonwood in your ears tonight and tell me it is just physical.”  
Jonayla bit her lower lip. “And miss out on those words? Those sweet words that go right through me. Can you remember any of them?”  
“What I heard made no sense.”  
“I tried to concentrate on them but then I was gone. Do you think he will tire of me?”  
“Who cares, enjoy it while it lasts.” He came running back into view. He stopped next to Jonayla and kissed her cheek.  
“Talking about me?”   
“Not at all.” Jonayla said. “We were discussing that fisherman with the giant forearms. That is the kind of man I would mate.”  
“She is such a liar.” Latie said laughing. “She hasn’t shut up about you since you ran ahead to scout.”  
“She like foot massage, huh?”  
“She loves everything you do to her. You have to tell me. Where did you learn to do that?” Latie asked.  
“Foot massage? Dustano tells me his mate does for him after he runs all day. He say I should ask you to do for me. My feet feel good, so I don’t need this. I think Jonayla might like, so I try.”  
“Not the foot. The talking. Where did you learn how to talk like that?”  
“Ahhh. Very embarrassing. I tell Jonayla if she ask. Do you want to know, love of my life?”  
“No. I don’t think I do.” Jonayla smiled deviously at Latie.  
“I better get a foot massage tonight or this is the last trade mission my horses go on.”  
“I think that is a fair trade. If he wants to, of course.”  
“I may not have big forearms, but if I can rub hag feet, I can rub feet of beautiful Mamutoi woman.”  
“You are so not sleeping in my furs tonight.” Jonayla said.  
“The day keeps getting better and better.” He said. He went back and checked on the trailing horses.  
“He loves you. He loves the horses. You have a perfect man there.”  
“Boy.”  
“He is more a man then most, including your mate.”  
“Depends how you measure.”  
“You really like them that big.”  
“Let’s just say if Haso was that big then this would not be a moral quandary. I would be matrimonial planning.”  
“I heard that.” He said loudly from the back.  
“That’s why I said it.” She yelled back. “Just try calling me a hag one more time.”

“That is absolute heaven. You have found your true calling Haso.” Latie said. He moved up to rubbing her calves and she moaned in exquisite delight.”  
“Mate him now Jonayla, before others find out about this skill of his.”  
“I am already mated.”  
“You are a fool. Are you sure you don’t want him tonight?”  
“Positive.”  
“More redfoot?” he asked, trying to make Jonayla jealous.  
“No, tonight I am going to teach you what to expect from a truly loving mate.”  
“Don’t you dare.” Jonayla said.  
“This is one of the benefits of having a small one.” Latie said as she pushed Hasorav back and slid him fully in her mouth. “You like that?” He just looked at her doe eyed. “That is what your foot rub feels like to me.” It was an hour before she finally let him finish, giving him the full tour of pleasures she only rarely had given any man.  
“I bet you never thought you would need cottonwood to drown out his moans. I think maybe I am the new love of his life.”  
“No. It is only Jonayla.” He smiled. “But I exchange foot rub any time you like, beautiful Mamutoi woman. You want me to run ahead to let them know when we will arrive?”  
“Yes please. We need to have a private conversation and your ears are too big.” Hasorav kissed her goodbye and ran ahead.  
“I can’t believe you did that. He hasn’t washed for days. He hasn’t washed since before he was inside me!”  
“Then you taste pretty good.”  
“Gross. I can’t believe you just said that.”  
“You never do that for a man?”  
“Only in a clean river after scrubbing it raw and I can wash my mouth out after. Luckily Cordran was too big so I couldn’t.”  
“I had the same problem with your father. Your mother showed me different ways to…”  
“I don’t want to know. Next thing I know you’ll be telling me she tastes pretty good to.”  
“No, your mother is just flat out delicious. I should tell you about the time…”  
“La la la!” Jonayla started yelling with her fingers in her ears. Latie doubled over laughing.  
Latie put her arm around her. “I’m so glad you are back. It just hasn’t been the same without you. I wish Cordran was more of a man and came back with you.”  
“I did to. But now I am wondering if isn’t better this way.”  
“You are so in love with Haso, aren’t you?”  
“I think I might be.”

Hasorav came running into view as the sun began to fall behind them.  
“Something’s wrong. He’s not smiling.” They stopped the horses in case there was danger ahead. He ran up to Jonayla.  
“Please tell me how you feel about me. No game, please.”  
“I care about you.” He just looked at her hoping for more.  
“She loves you. Now tell us what’s wrong.” Latie finally said, exasperated.  
“Dura is back.” Jonayala was just trying to process how he knew Dura and why that would be a bad thing. “Cordran is with her.”  
“Oh no. You poor thing.” Latie wrapped her arms around the boy as they watched Jonayla jump up on Gray and set off at a fast gallop, items falling off the travois as she rode. They picked up the items and added them to the other loads as they walked in silence. Latie kept trying to be positive but he was unreachable. As the summer meeting came into view he stopped. Latie put her arm around him. “I will take you home next summer if it doesn’t work out.”  
“I was so close. I was close, right?”  
“You were more than close.” She turned him to look at her. “There is still a real chance. Don’t do anything to ruin it. Be exactly who you are, and she will see how much better you are than he is.”


	8. Ultimate Gift

“I started out the next day. I would have caught up to you but my leg hurt so bad I had to turn back. Mamut gave me some medicine but it ran out about halfway here. I am so sorry it took me so long to get here.” Jonayla had jumped into his arms and held him as tears streamed down her face. She was now looking up at him in wonder. “If it wasn’t for Dura finding me, I know I would have died out there.”  
“It is good to see you too.” Jonayla said as she hugged the small thin girl. “Where is Lanidurc?”  
“He decided to stay with my brother.”  
“He chose the Clan? That almost makes sense. That explains why you were so far behind me. I guess that worked out well for my mate.”  
“Hasorav? What are you doing here? Mamut said you were training to be a Mamut up at the Raven camp.” Cordran said in surprise.  
“He risked his life to help me get home.” Jonayla said.  
“Oh. Well, then I guess I should thank you.” He gripped the boys hands tightly and looked into his eyes. “You left just after I got back the first time I tried to catch up to her. Did Mamut know where you were going?” Cordran said to force his version of the the story on the boy.  
“He knew.” Hasorav said with barely contained anger. “I have to go unload the horses.”  
“I have to go too, but I’ll be back before dinner. Can you help me Dura?” Jonayla said, grasping her arm and giving her no choice.  
“I’ll help.” Cordran offered.  
“No, you rest your leg. You are going to need it tonight.” She kissed his cheek, and then handed him the baby. She knew he was already looking for someone to hand the baby to as they walked away.

“He really was in bad shape when I found him.” Dura said.  
“I don’t care about that. You stopped at Mammoth camp and found out I had already left.”  
“I was almost a moon behind you. Mamut told me Hasorav was with you, so I shouldn’t worry. I didn’t know he was so young.”  
“How long did you stay?”  
“Just the night.”  
“Was Cordran alone?”  
“I shouldn’t… I mean, I didn’t notice.”  
“You have always been like a sister to me. I need to know the truth.”

“Oh Cordran, you are one of a kind.” Jonayla said, resting on his chest.  
“And you are the most beautiful woman in all the world. I couldn’t imagine a life without you in it.”  
“Do you know why I left?”  
“The steppes are the most boring place on earth?”  
“No, guess again.”  
“You got sick of eating Mammoth?”  
“No. One more try.”  
“You said you wanted to do your trading. I see you are already back to it. I’m glad you have what you want.”  
“Those are all good reasons, but they would not have kept me from your side. I left because I could no longer trust your words. Why did you have to come all this way and start with more lies? I knew the truth and I didn’t care. All I cared about was that you were here.”  
“It’s that brat Hasorav. He is feeding you lies about me?”  
“Maybe. The problem is your version of what happened goes against everything I know about you. His version matches what I know of you perfectly. Add to that all the lies that made me mistrust you and want to leave. Now here we are, and you are continuing the lie you never had to tell in the first place.”  
“I need you Jonayla. Isn’t it enough that I walked here twice for you.”  
“That’s just it. It is enough. Why you had to lie about starting out immediately to catch up to me then turning back is beyond my understanding.”  
“I felt guilty about letting you go alone.”  
“I’m sure you felt really awful about it in Saragee’s arms.”  
“That meant nothing.”  
“I know that. Did she? That’s the problem. You say what you think we want to hear. How much more valuable your words would be if they only spoke truth.”  
“What are you saying?”  
“I love you Cordran, but we are no longer mated. If you want to earn that place by my side again, I need truth. I don’t mean about my looks. I’m fine with you continuing to pretend I am the most beautiful woman in the world. I mean about what you want, what you need, which of my wants and needs you are willing to give me. I’m only going to tell you this once. I know when you are lying. Always have, always will. The days of my ignoring it are over. You lie to me again, you have one day to admit the truth. If that doesn’t happen, you will never be in my life again. I won’t help you get back to your people. I won’t do anything except make sure that you never hurt me again. You can stay and try, or you can find someone else here to be with. Maybe even someone else will want to go home with you. Latie says she may go home to visit next summer, so maybe she can help you get home. You have half a moon to decide. I am going on a trading mission south and you will stay here. The only way you go to the Lanzadonii with me for the winter is if you can convince me you have truly changed. Don’t waste either of our time, we are too old for such things.  
“You don’t want to be my mate anymore?”  
“What value does a lying mate have? You say you’ll watch the children, but you give them to your mother to watch. You say you are going hunting, but you are down by the river drinking and gambling. You say you love only me, but you prefer younger bodies to mine. It isn’t these things you’ve done. It is that you lie to me and think I am stupid enough not to find out, or not care if I do find out. Right now, you are thinking that there is no fun in a future with me. You may be right. I have had more fun since I got back here and severed my ties with you than all the years we had together. I wasn’t that fun after I got pregnant. Much of my anger came from your lies. I’m done with that. I am going to enjoy what time I have left because I know I can when I am free from your lies. I wish I had understood all this more clearly before I left Mammoth camp because I would have told you that it was over, and that you should not follow me. Now that you are here, I am willing to give you a chance.”  
“I can tell you I was with other women and you won’t be mad?”  
“Yes. I don’t want you doing it in my bed, and I expect you to wash yourself before you bring it near me afterwords. You can also drink and gamble instead of hunting, sometimes. You still need to contribute or it won’t be me kicking you out. We don’t have to worry about your demented mother babysitting. If you don’t think you can take care of the children by yourself, say so.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” Jonayla asked the brooding Hasorav.  
“What is there to say? The big fat liar is back and you are with him. I don’t understand why you wanted me to come with you anyway.”  
“Because I trust you more than anyone else except mother. Because I need to know you are going to be alright no matter what happens to me. Most of all because… I love you.”  
“But you chose him.”  
“Yes, long before I met you. If I could walk away from him, why couldn’t I walk away from you just as easily?”  
“Because I would never lie to you.”  
“So, I am a hag?”  
“You know I was kidding.”  
“Yes I do. I also know how much more I enjoyed being around you before he came back into my life. If I choose you, maybe two years from now some other man will make you jealous enough to treat me like you are treating me now.” That made him stop.  
“I am being a jerk.”  
“Yes, to the love of your life. Even after she told you she loves you for the first time outside of the best sex she has ever had in her entire life.”  
“The best?”  
“By far. I used to think sex was all down there. You showed me it is really all up here.” She pointed at the side of her head. “I gave him a choice before I left, but the choice isn’t all his. There are things he will have to do to be part of my life. That doesn’t mean he will be all of my life, or even a major part.”  
“So, I would have to share you?”  
“My children are far more important than any man will ever be to me. That is less than half of me left to share with my trading, my horses, my family, my friends, my people. Committing to you fully and completely would only give you a tiny part of me.”  
“I never thought of that.”  
“Because you would give yourself fully and completely to me.”  
“Yes. That is the only purpose for my life that makes sense.”  
“And I have certainly taken advantage of that willingness. How will you feel when I commit more of my time to my children, and their children after that?”  
“They are my commitment too. I love them too.”  
“You do, don’t you?”  
“I don’t mind sharing you with all those other people. It is only him because he doesn’t deserve you.”  
“I need you to be quiet now because you are making too much sense.” Jonayla said. He smiled and went back and checked on the trailing horses. He noticed a dashing flash of yellow in the trees.  
“Lions!” he yelled, pulling out his spear thrower and notching a spear. Jonayla had a torch lit in seconds and then two more. She checked the wind and then set the grass aflame behind them. She got the horses moving fast up the path and made it to the next camp site. She got a big fire going within minutes. She unharnessed all of the horses so they were better able to defend themselves, not that they had much of a chance. She took a deep breath and relaxed, wondering if all this trading was worth it.  
“Haso?” She called out loudly. Where was he? He should have been right behind her. She waited and called his name again. Next was a whistle and she was on Gray and running full speed down the path. She almost trampled him rounding a corner. He dodged into the bushes. She circled around and came back, his feet sticking out of the bushes. “Why were you so far behind? I almost trampled you.” His legs moved but he didn’t get up. “Haso? Are you alright? She heard a weak moan. She jumped down and pushed apart the bushes. He was holding his side. The claw marks were deep. She could see his rib bones.  
“I got her before she got me. I think she was alone, but it isn’t safe here. Get to safety.” Haso wheezed out of gritted teeth. Jonayla realized the greatest sin of her life at that moment. Her mother was perhaps the greatest healer on the planet and Jonayla ignored most of the lessons Ayla patiently tried to teach her daughter. If he was to be saved, it would be by Jonayla in the next few minutes, or not at all. “Set the bone, stop the bleeding, prevent it from moving.” She said out loud, pulling that out of the depths of her memory. No bone looked broken or out of place. She pulled off her pants and began cutting long strips.   
“I’m really not in the mood right now.” She wrapped the strips around his chest and cinched them tight. He coughed and a small amount of blood landed on his chin. He saw the devastated look in her eyes and he knew. “Tell them I was a hero. I saved the people from the flood. Tell them you were the love of my life and I gave it all up for you.”   
“You are my hero. You are the best. You are the love of my life too. I will see you on the other side, my love.” He smiled. And his eyes went blank staring at her with all the love he had to give. She went cold. She finished binding the wound and then dragged him out of the bushes. She struggled to lift him onto Gray. Then she walked shakily to the roaring fire. She looked at the things on the three travois. None of it was worth a single human life. None of it was worth his life. She had no reason for this trip other than to spend time with him. She pushed each travois off the path. She thought about using one for him, but decided to leave him where he was. She tied him in place so he wouldn’t fall off. Then she hopped onto another horse and they began their fast trip home. The field she had lit afire was still smoking and a few trees at the edge were burning. She saw the feather of his spear sticking up inside the tree line next to the path. His spear thrower lay in tall grass, splattered with blood. She ignored the danger and went to the lion that had braved the fire to kill her love. It was still breathing but unable to move to protect itself. She stabbed her knife into its side again and again. She hacked off the bloody claw as if to deny its ability to take it to the next world. She stowed the items in her pack and resumed the ride.   
It was dark when she rode into camp carrying a torch to see by. Jondalar was first to emerge and understand what he was seeing. He pulled his daughter from the horse and cradled her in his arms. He called softly for Ayla who immediately went to Hasorav and cut him free and lowered him to the ground gently. She picked the dying torch up off the ground and looked at the wounds. Nothing could have saved him she knew instantly. Again she wondered how that little girl she had been on the plains survived the same four razor sharp claws so many years ago.

The funeral was complicated because he was a foreigner, but Ayla cut through the arguments over methods and protections. It was time to go home. She had done what she could to train the Zelandonia. She named a young competent healer to be one who was first and said her goodbyes. The sad train of people and animals headed east. Dura ran ahead to bring the news. She found her father laying on his bed frame, unwilling to get up and move.  
“I’m done Dura. I can’t stay any longer. You mother is waiting for me.”  
“You will stay and say goodbye to your mate.”  
“I’ve stolen enough of her life, I cannot bear having her watch me whither any more.”  
“You can, and you will. I talked with mother last moon. She is mad at you for making so many stupid decisions that she had to save you from. You make things right here before we let you go.”  
“You talked to her? Your Journey is over?”  
“Yes. My final Journey was to take my son to live with your son. He is leader now. Lanidurc intends to be the next leader and continue the progress you started. Watch over them if you can.”  
“Leader?”  
“Yes.”  
“Help me up. I want to hear more.” She helped him sit but he was too weak to walk. She brought him food and he was able to stand by the time Latie rode into the settlement. Durc was little more than a depressed shell when she left. She was surprised he survived.  
“Still making Ura wait for you.” Latie said before wrapping her arms around him.  
“I was almost there, but Dura said I had to say goodbye to you.”  
“Goodbye, Durc. Now that that’s taken care of, do you want the front hoof or the back?”  
He smiled. “Perhaps you could smother me with your big breasts.”  
“Worth a shot.” She began undressing.

“Who’s the father of this one? Not another grandchild for Frebec, I hope.” Ayla asked.  
“No. This one is not Mamutoi. Do you remember Darvalo?”  
“Of the Sharamadoi?”  
“That’s the one.”  
“How did your path cross with him? Were they trading with the Mamutoi?”  
“I told you I stopped by there on my way to the Eastern Sea. What I didn’t tell you is that Darvalo and I had a very significant connection. It has stayed with me all these years. I went back to see him. We connected again.”  
“That is a long way out of the way.”  
“Not really. It is relatively easy from the peninsula where we all came from. Easier than going up and over through the land of the Mamutoi. Even if it was longer, I would have gone. The Mother wants us to mix far and wide. That is why some of us feel the need to journey.”  
“That makes sense.”  
“Is Jonayla going to be alright?”  
“I have no idea. She blames herself for his death.”  
“I wish I knew everything I know now. I would have dragged that good for nothing Cordran back to Mammoth camp and cut his hamstrings so he would stay where he belongs.”  
“He is all she has now.”

Dura walked down to Jonayla’s home. She sat cross-legged on the floor, baby in her lap, staring at the wall. Cordrayla was using a stick to draw lines in a small box of sand. Cordran was nowhere to be seen. Jonayla did not respond to Dura’s attempt at polite conversation. Dura finally sat in front of Jonayla and pulled the squirming baby onto her lap.  
“Tell me about him Jonayla.” The only reaction was tears. Dura had gotten most of the story from Latie. “Tell me sister. Tell me why you loved him.”  
“I didn’t.”  
“You didn’t love him?”  
“No. I only loved how he loved me. It is like barma being adored simply for the way you look. Everyone wants to be your friend. Men trip over each other to give you things and do things for you. I did my best not to take from them, but in the end, that is all I ever did. Take. I loved what they gave me. When the giving stopped, so did the love. My beauty faded and with it what they were willing to give. Hasorav saw me as I was, not as I had become. He was the only one willing to give, so I took from him. I kept on taking until he had nothing to give but his life. He gave that too. He gave that to me and smiled while doing it. I gave him nothing. I lay there and took the best he had to offer, and I gave him nothing back.”  
“If he was sitting here right now, what would you give him?” Jonayla focused on her for the first time, confused. “You regret not giving him anything. What do you have to give to him? Would you make him fancy clothes? Would you cook elaborate meals? Would you work the furs until your hands ached to give him the softest bed to sleep in?”  
“That wasn’t what he wanted.”  
“What did he want that you refused to give him?” Jonayla could think of nothing. Dura reached out and took her hand. “There is only one thing that is truly ours to give. Time. You gave him how many stories when you lived at Mammoth camp? You gave him all your stories. Not just a few, not just the ones you liked. You gave them all. Many listened to them, but you made them come alive for him. He lived your entire life with you from inside your stories. He was a man inside that young body because he had lived it through you and with you. You didn’t give him a few hours of your time. You gave him your entire lifetime.”  
“He loved my stories.” She agreed.  
“And you worked hard all your life gathering them. When he came to you near the ice wall, did you send him away?”  
“I tried to. I was ungrateful for his help most of the way. I kept telling him he should go back, that there was no place for him in my future.”  
“You didn’t tell him your stories while you walked, while you shared a tent for four moons? Did you treat him like a child, ordering him around, smacking his hand when he did something wrong?”  
“He never did anything wrong. He knew exactly what to do for me.”  
“How did he know?”  
“The stories.”  
“The time you spent patiently telling him how to be a man.”  
“A man that gives everything to this selfish girl.”  
“Do you think any of us are different? They give to us so we can give to our children. That is how we survive. That is how he survives. The Mother has blessed us one more time. We will carry the lives of two very special men into the future. We will teach them how to be good men, special men. The world will be in their hands and we will go to our special men in the spirit world. That is when it is our turn to give back to them all that they have given to us. We will give them our time, our gratitude, our love.”  
Jonayla’s hand went to her belly. “No.” She said in disbelief.  
“Yes. You gave him everything a man needs in this world.”  
“I’m still nursing. I can’t be pregnant.”  
“The Mother does not let anything stand in the way of what she wants.”  
“She sent that lion to kill him.”  
“No. The lion was here to do what lions do. What will you miss most about him?”  
“His words.”  
“He had plenty more to give. Where did he get those words? His words were simply your words being given back to you with the gratitude of the man that you made out of the boy.”  
Dura handed to baby back and Jonayla put him to her breast. “The time for grieving is over. Let’s make good men out of our boys, and then we can find our way to the next world and watch what we have created here with those we love.”

“Why does this always happen when the snow is the deepest?” Kinidar said, struggling to carry Dura to the Mammoth hearth.  
“I can walk just fine.” Dura loved that he wanted to carry her.  
“Let’s make the next one a summer baby, please?”  
“This is the last one.”  
“Thank the Mother. I’m too old for this.”  
“I was wondering when I would be seeing you.” Ayla said. Kinidar put her down gently on the birthing bed. One by one the women of the Lanzadonii appeared in the doorway and gathered around to support each other.  
“Have you decided on a name?” Latie asked as she swabbed Dura’s forehead with a cool cloth.  
“Durvalo.”  
“That’s unusual.” Jonayla said. “Another one from your long journeys?”  
“Sharamudoi.” Ayla said. “One more push.”  
“I hate this part.” Latie said, feeling the pained grip of Dura’s strong hands.  
“Especially when you are going to be doing the same in another two moons.” Jonalya said, gripping her other hand.  
“Don’t remind me.” Latie said, placing her free hand on her large swollen belly. “I really wish he was here to massage my swollen feet. Typical man, all of the fun, none of the suffering.”  
“He was anything but typical.” Jonayla said with melancholy, rubbing her large belly absently.  
“Did he ever tell you where the words came from?”  
Jonayla thought about it, and then gave Dura a knowing look. “They came from me.”

The End… until Durc’s Story… Concluded


End file.
